How it Happened
by Write1
Summary: Dr. Grace Trevelyan-Grey is on duty when she gets a call to report to the ER... A call that will forever changer her life. We get a glimpse of how Christian became a Trevelyan-Grey.
1. Chapter 1

"_**Dr. Trevelyan-Grey please report to the ER… Dr. Trevelyan-Grey." **_

I had heard those words more times than I could count. Little did I know how that night, they would change my life….

I waited impatiently for my husband to answer the phone. Worry and anxiety coursing through my veins. I could almost hear my own heart pounding waiting for him to answer. "Hello Gracie! You on break already?" Oh thank God!

"Carry! Carry, I need you to do something for me, please?"

"Baby, is everything alright? You sound upset."

"Um, no… it's just… Carry, Please? Could you call my mother and have her watch Elliot for a couple hours? I need you down here, please?" I don't think I've ever asked him to come to the hospital in the nine years we'd been married. I don't want him to worry, but I don't even know how to organize my thoughts. "I'm OK. There's just a situation I need you to …. Carry please?"

"Of course Gracie. I'll be there as soon as I can, OK? I'll call your mom right now."

"Thank you. Thank you Carry. I love you." I hung up the phone and headed back to be with my patient; the reason for all my anxiety and concern. When I looked at him through the window in the door, I saw him hugging that awful, tattered, filthy blanket. He was so frightened, and flinched or jumped at every noise. But when I walked back into the room and he looked at me, I could see him relax, at least a little.

"Can I take that blanket? I could get it washed for you. It will be much better." I saw those large gray eyes widen in fear and he just hugged even tighter. "It's OK. I won't. Can I listen to your heart again? You can listen first if you'd like." I held out the stethoscope and he put it in his ears. Then he put it up to his chest. A look of wonder came over his face as he heard his own heartbeat. Then he looked at me and held it up to me. "Do you want to hear my heart too? Is that what you want?" He looked at me nervously then very cautiously nodded his little head of copper colored hair.

I held the stethoscope up to my chest so he could hear my heartbeat. I almost saw a smile cross his lips. But almost as if he felt what he was doing was wrong, he quickly took it off and handed it back to me. "It's OK. You're alright. I need to listen to your heart now." I leaned in to place it on his chest but he squealed and moved back. "I need to. How about you hold it, and I'll just listen." He nodded again and held it up to his chest. "Sounds good! Now I need to use the arm sweezey. This tells me something called your blood pressure. It squeezes, but only your arm. Can I see your arm please?" He slowly put his thin, bruised arm out to me. That went off without too much issue, just a scrunched up face when the cuff got tight.

The nurse came in then to reapply the bandages to his back and chest. That wasn't so easy. He pulled away, screamed, even tried to get off the bed. I tried reasoning with him. If that didn't work, I'd have to sedate him. "We're here to help you. We're going to make it feel better. OK? How about you hold my fingers… you can squeeze as tight as you want." I held my fingers out to him. He grabbed one finger with each hand and squeezed for dear life. That was the longest three minutes… He was so scared and the redness in my two fingers could attest to that. "OK. Well little man, it's getting late and it's time for you to get some sleep."

I don't think I've ever seen a child so afraid of going to sleep. He grabbed that blanket as if his life depended on it, and gave me such a worried look… I said something I've never said to any other patient of mine, of course usually their parents were right there with them. "How about I lay down with you?" He slowly laid back and watched as I laid down too. I knew it would be inappropriate so I didn't, but I really wanted to just cuddle him close. This poor, sad, abused little boy. I didn't even know what to call him. The police didn't have a name yet and this little guy hadn't spoken all afternoon.

Within moments, he was sound asleep. I had to wonder when the last time was he had a safe night's sleep. From our examination earlier today, this poor thing had endured some horrible abuse. And now, his mother was dead. I'm not even sure if he knows that. How do you explain something like that to a child this young? How old is he anyway? He looks like he's only two or maybe three, but he definitely comprehends more like a four or five year old.

I carefully moved off the bed to leave the room. In the hallway I saw Carrick. "Oh, Carry! When did you get here?"

"Only about 15 minutes ago. The nurse said you were with a patient so I waited here. Grace, what's going on? What was that call about?"

"Ellen," I called to the resident, "I'm going to dinner. Page me if he wakes up, OK?" I took Carrick's hand and headed to the elevators, trying to wipe away the tears as all my emotions bubbled up inside. We got to the cafeteria, got something to eat, and I chose a secluded booth so we could talk.

"Carrick, I experienced something today I have never experienced in my career before. Working in the ER, I have seen patients with some serious injuries and even evidence of physical abuse. I've had to deny parents the right to take their children home because of the abuse I examined. But today…I saw an abuse case that hit me very differently… When I examined this patient he was severely malnourished and dehydrated. There are bruises on his arms, shoulders, chest and back… But the worst…" My heart was aching. It was all I could do to hold back the tears and get the words out. "Carry, someone burned this poor baby with cigarettes…. seven burn marks on his chest… nine on his back. Some have scabbed over, some are even scars already, but several are fresh. This was an on-going thing! I'm telling you this because I want you to do something for me… This is going to go into the legal system. He was found with his mother's dead body. Police think she died about four days ago… Will you please take his case? It could be pro bono. Someone's going to get it assigned to them, so could it please be you? Will you please do this for me?"

Carrick took my hands in his and looked at me with such care and love. "Gracie, you know I would do anything for you. But Baby, I'm not a juvenile attorney. I don't think Friend of the Court would even consider me. I can make some calls, but I can't promise anything. I'm not even sure I'd be the right guy for the job. Why is this so important to you?"

"I love every child I ever treat. It's what makes people become pediatricians; we love kids, and taking care of them. When we witness child abuse, it makes us angry, and we want to keep those little people safe… But today was different. I wasn't just angry. I didn't just want to comfort this little boy, I wanted to hold him. I looked at him and I felt like someone had hurt… Someone had hurt _**my**_ little boy."

"I can understand that. You felt angry like you would if someone did that to Elliot. I would be too, Baby."

I shook my head slowly and nervously. He wasn't understanding what I was saying. I didn't understand this myself… "No. Someone did this to _my baby_… I wanted to hold him and comfort him like he _himself_, was mine." Carrick wouldn't say anything. " His mother is dead, there is no father, he's going to go into the system…" I took a deep breath to keep myself from breaking down. " I want him Carry."

Carrick looked at me with fear and uncertainty. We had discussed adopting more children and were already in the system to get another child. But, we never discussed it happening like this. I know that's what he was thinking…. _'If we do this, how many more charity cases would Gracie be bringing home?' _"Will you just come up and see him? Please?"

Carrick nodded and we headed back up to the room. On the way, my pager went off. I knew he had awakened. I looked in through the window and he was sitting up holding that blanket. "Hey there little guy. You're supposed to be asleep." I walked in the room and stood at the side of the bed. He just looked up at me with fear. "It's OK. I'm right here. I'd like to introduce you to someone. This is my friend Carry. Can you say hello?" It was worth a shot.

He turned toward Carrick and looked at him. I wouldn't have thought it was possible, but he looked even more frightened than before. My wonderful husband didn't miss a beat. "Hey there buddy. Nice to meet you. Can I sit down on your bed? I won't hurt you. I promise. I'm a friend of Dr. Grace here." Bless him. Carry waited until he got a slight nod. "Is that your blankie? I had one when I was little too. Mine was blue and had rabbits on it. I took mine everywhere with me. I'll bet you like having yours with you too, don't ya?" Again he gave a copper haired nod. "Well, it's late and I know Dr. Grace wants you to get some sleep. Would it be OK if I came by tomorrow?" Another nod. "OK. You sleep and I'll see you in the morning." He turned to me, "Grace? I'll be outside." With that, Carrick left the room.

I turned to my little gray-eyed boy and had to keep myself from leaning down to kiss him on the head. "You get back to sleep. I'll be here in the morning." He laid back and closed his eyes. I left the room to find Carrick down the hall on the phone.

"…I know it's late, but I needed to get it on record… There is a juvenile case coming in probably tomorrow…. Orphaned boy, physical abuse, brought into the hospital tonight… I'm putting my name in to take his case."


	2. Chapter 2

_** How It Happened Chapter 2**_

I had gone home for only a couple hours that night. I wanted to be sure to see Elliot and tuck him in. I needed him to know how much I love him. I stayed with him in his room a little extra long and apparently held him longer too. I just didn't want to let him go. Thinking about all the hell my little patient had endured, I wanted my Elliot to know how loved he was. Really, I guess the extra-long snuggling was for me more than him. That became especially clear when he looked up at me with is blond curls and innocently asked "Hey Mom? Can I go to sleep now?"

Thinking about that on my way back to the hospital made me relax and smile, which was a welcome feeling after so much anxiety over my patient. Since my pager hadn't gone off, I hoped that meant he hadn't awakened while I was gone. I had brought some books and toys from home for him. I just felt like he needed something so he could pass the time like any other little boy. I knew I could keep him in the hospital a couple more days under observation, maybe a week, but it wasn't going to take too long before the I.V. did its job for the nutrition and hydration, and the burns began to heal, which would mean he'd need to be released. What would happen after that? I just feared what additional trauma he'd go through once he left the hospital.

I knew Carrick had asked to be given his case, but that really was a long shot. He promised me he'd try to find out who did get it and do his best to keep tabs on things. No matter who got it, it was going to take a few months before my little boy would be adoptable. Carry and I hadn't spoken any more about that tonight, but I could see that meeting that darling boy had an effect on him too. I'm already thinking about him as mine, ours.

I didn't actually go on duty for several more hours so I sat in his room. I wanted to be the first person he saw when he woke. I could feel he needed some security in that area. I dozed off a couple times, but woke each time to see that head of unruly copper hair splayed out on the pillow… those long dark lashes… and that beautiful face sleeping peacefully. But then I woke with a start when I heard him… A deep throated, fearful, groan and he began to thrash back and forth.

He was still asleep and obviously having a nightmare. I went to his side to see if I could help calm him. Sweat was beading on his forehead, and his whole body was shaking. Taking his hand he cried out and pulled his arm away. "Shhhh. Hey. Hey little man. It's OK, you're OK. I'm here. I'm here." I don't know if he could actually hear me, but he never opened his eyes. I put my hand in his so he could grab my fingers. He held on with so much strength, it was a wonder it was even possible given how frail he was. It was a testament to how frightening his nightmare had to be.

"Shhhhhh. It's OK. It's OK. Shhhhhh. Shhhhhhh." I repeated over and over to help him calm down. I noticed his filthy blanket had fallen on the ground. I was able to reach it and put it in his arms. He grabbed it immediately, hugging it close enough to hide his face in it. It was heartbreaking to witness. Several minutes passed before he was truly relaxed again. He went back to his beautiful, peaceful slumber, having never wakened.

"Oh my darling little boy… And I don't even know your name."

"Hey…Gracie, Baby," Carrick was gently shaking me to consciousness. "You go on duty soon Sweetheart." I realized he was whispering and noticed my patient was still asleep behind him.

I wiped the sleep out of my eyes and stretched my neck and back. The chair was not what I'd consider comfortable for sleeping any significant length of time. "Good morning. What are you doing here Carry? Don't you have to get into the office?"

"I do, but I pushed my appointments back a couple hours. I told him I'd come by in the morning, so here I am." He smiled as he gestured toward the little boy still asleep in the bed. "How much longer do you think he'll sleep?"

"I'm not sure. He didn't have a completely restful night. He had a nightmare. A pretty significant one too, it seems. I'm not sure if it's related to being taken from his mother or the physical abuse. I need to get a child psychologist to spend some time with him. Although, I'm not sure what can really be deduced from a child that won't talk."

Just then an orderly came in with a breakfast tray. I was about to send it away for later when we heard movement from the bed. Those grey eyes were wide with wonder and we could hear him sniffing the air. He sat himself up and looked in the direction of the orderly. He gave the most heartbreaking, pleading look… as if to beg for some of the food he was smelling. "I'll take that, thank you," I told the orderly as I took the tray and placed it on the table. I wheeled it over to the bed for him. I don't even think he even noticed Carry and I were there at first. He was in such a hurry to get to the food. I was watching a child in survival mode and it was so painful to witness. "Hey there little man, calm down. You can have everything that's here, just hang on a minute so it doesn't…" He grabbed for the food before I could secure the tray and it flipped up spilling pancakes and scrambled eggs all over the bed. While I would have wanted to clean up the mess I didn't get the chance. He was grabbing for whatever he could reach and desperately putting it into his mouth.

"Oh my god," I heard Carry say under his breath, as he reached to help pick up a pancake. I tried to get my little boy to calm down.

"Darling…. Darling…. no… here, let me put it…Sweetheart…" I managed to get a small handful of scrambled eggs onto the plate. Carry added his rescued pancake, but we looked at each other with broken hearts. When we looked down at this hungry little boy, we were struck breathless. He had both cheeks full of food and was trying to swallow quickly as if he was afraid it would disappear if he wasn't fast enough. "Darling… you can have everything here, just calm down. We don't want you to choke, OK? Swallow… slowly… "

"Here, have a sip." Carry said gently. He had opened the milk carton, put the straw in and was holding it out to him. This scared, hungry little boy just looked up at him with fear, and grabbed for his blanket. Carry looked at me, "I don't think he likes me much."

"Carry! Hand me that." I took the milk from him and looked into this little boys eyes. "This will help. But you need to slow down when you eat." I looked at my husband, "How about you get a book and read to him while he finishes. I need to get some a clean blankets."

"Can't you just call a nurse for that…" I heard Carry ask warily as I left the room. I had to get some information. I walked to the nurse's station to see who had been on duty when my patient was fed last. I wanted to know what happened then. Was it like today? Why didn't anyone tell me.

"Dr. Trvelyan! I wasn't expecting you for a little while yet. We got a call from the police," I heard our head nurse say.

"What? When? What did they say? Was it about the boy they brought it yesterday?" I know I sounded desperate and almost panicked, but the scene I just witnessed had me shaken up.

"Yes Doctor. It was actually. It was right here…" She looked on the desk for something. I wanted to scream at her to find it, I was getting so emotional. "Oh here it is! OK… his name is Christian, he's four years old, and his mother was a known crack addict and prostitute. Probably to feed to the addiction," she said with disgust as she rolled her eyes.

"Christian," I repeated out loud. It fits him. "He's four?" Oh my. He certainly doesn't look like it, but being malnourished will do that to you. "By the way, who was on duty yesterday when he got dinner? He made a mess in there grabbing for anything he could put in his mouth, so I need a clean blanket. And I need to get a child psychologist up here too. Soon. We were so busy with the burns and basics yesterday, and he's got some emotional scars that seem to run pretty deep."

"Has he spoken yet?" she asked.

"No. No, just groans and screams. It's heartbreaking actually. And last night he had an awful nightmare." She looked at me questioningly. "I stayed here with him." She looked worried, but didn't say anything. "Maybe when he feels less frightened?" I shrugged as I turned to go. "Can you have someone bring that blanket please?" She nodded and I headed back to the room.

When I looked through the window I almost cried. There he was sitting with that blanket, using a fork to eat a pancake, the eggs were cleaned up and on the plate, and my wonderful husband was sitting on the chair reading _Green Eggs and Ham_. I opened the door quietly, trying not to disturb the scene, but they saw me. Christian looked up at me with an almost peaceful look, happy to see me return. I looked at Carrick and had to ask, "A fork?"

He smiled up at me. "Well. Even in the hospital I expect appropriate table manners from my son." I just looked into Carrick's eyes for a moment, and then I did cry.


	3. Chapter 3- When Grace Left the Room

_**When Grace Left the Room…**_

Carrick's POV…

_Oh, man. What am I supposed to do now? He's still grabbing at whatever he can find… This is ridiculous. Sad, but ridiculous. How am I supposed to just read him a book while he eats like this? Not happening._

I don't want to scare him, so I very calmly try to get his attention; "Hey Buddy…." He doesn't even register I'm here. "Whoa there!" Again, nothing. Not even a glance. Then, a bit more firmly, _**"Stop!"**_

He freezes in his tracks, on his hands and knees, cheeks bulging with breakfast, and reaching for more eggs. He looks up at me with terror on his face. _Oh man, did I just cause that look?…_

I calm my voice back down again. "This is not allowed. Food belongs on a plate, the plate belongs on the table and we do not eat with our fingers." Still no movement but very wide, gray eyes. I think he's too afraid to move. "I'm not going to hurt you…" He looks at the eggs he was about to grab, then back up at me. "…And yes, you may have everything here. But you made a mess and it needs to be cleaned up. I will help you."

I take the plate and continue the cleanup job Grace had begun a few moments ago. I think he is still afraid to move. I smile at him, but stay firm with him. "Let's go. You made this mess. I will help you, but you will help too." I point at a ripped piece of pancake.

Either he doesn't think I am serious, or doesn't comprehend what I just said. "Do you understand me? This mess will get cleaned up first, then you may finish your breakfast." I wait. He stares. I stare back. "Can you hear me?" I get a slight copper-colored nod. "Do you understand what I am saying?" Again, a nod. "Then…. pick up that pancake and put it on this plate."

_What am I going to do if he refuses? I have no paternal authority here.. yet. And I can't keep him from his breakfast. Gracie practically ordered me to let him eat it. Where is she? He seems to respond much better to her. _

As if he can read my mind, he looks pleadingly at the door, and I hear him make a deep throated groan. "Oh, she's coming back, and she's not going to be happy if this bed is still a mess." And we're back to a stare down… I state firmly again, "Clean up this food…" Then to my surprise, his fear is gone and replaced by a look of stubborn frustration, almost like I'm about to witness a 'terrible-twos' temper tantrum. _If this was Elliot, I'd play the 'I'm the Dad' card, but what do I do with this little guy? Where is Grace? My only option is to see if I can wait him out. _

Finally, but not wanting to take his eyes off me, he reaches for the pancake, picks it up slowly, and puts it on the plate. I pick up some scrambled eggs and add them to the breakfast pile, then he continues without any more coaxing from me. _Thank goodness._ When we've cleaned up as much as we can, I put the plate on the table. He leans forward and reaches for it.

"Oh no…Not yet… We sit up when we eat. Go on…scoot back and sit up." He's still refusing to take his eyes off me, but is actually doing it. "That's better. Now, no fingers. You're going to use this…"

I hold up the fork. He looks at it questioningly. It dawns on me that he may have no idea what I'm talking about. With the desperate reaction to food we just witnessed, I'm guessing he probably hasn't had much practice with tableware.

"Do you know what this is?" I get another slight nod, but with a wary look. "Do you know how to use it?" This time, I get a sad expression and a slow shake of his head. "Well, today, we'll just go with the basics." I dive it into the breakfast pile. "You poke it into the food like this, and then put it in your mouth."

I hold out the fork full of food for him. He slowly takes it from me and reaches to take the food off the tines. "No. No fingers." He looks directly at me with a nervous, unsure expression. I nod at the fork and he ungracefully manages to get it, and the food, into his mouth.

"There! Much better. Now, you can eat as much as you want." I wheel the table over to him and move around the bed to find the books Gracie brought. I sit in the chair next to the bed and reach down into the bag. I notice that in the breakfast debacle, his blanket had fallen on the floor. _Do I interrupt what we've accomplished for this dirty blanket, or leave well enough alone right now?_ I grab it and decide to let him have it back while he eats. I figure it can't hurt to have a little peace offering between us right now.

"Would you like this?" I ask softly. He lets out a deep breath with a quiet grunt. He reaches out his thin arms to take it from me. "No blanket in the food." He carefully wads it up in a dirty ball and swings it to the side, checking to see that it's not in his eggs. He puts it in his lap, and continues to awkwardly get the fork into the food, and into his mouth.

"Now, let's see what we have here… OK. Here's one of my favorites, _Green Eggs and Ham…_" I start to read,

"I am Sam…"


	4. Chapter 4

_**How It Happened Chapter 4**_

_**Grace**_

I walk over to my wonderful husband and he pulls me down into his lap. He doesn't need to say anything more, and I couldn't vocalize anything either at this moment anyway. Knowing he's in this with me, that he wants Christian too… He gently kisses me on the forehead and rubs my back. Then I hear him chuckle and have to look up. Christian is looking at us with an expression of confusion and distaste. "Like I said," Carrick whispers, "I don't think he likes me very much."

I see his smile so I smile and whisper back. "Well, I just found out 'he' has a name, it's Christian, and he'll just have to get over it." I turn to address that darling little boy. "Christian, you're going to have to get used to this. Carry and I are really close friends. In fact, we're so close that we share the same _house_." I get a quizzical look in response. I'm not sure he knows what I mean. "Carrick is my husband. Do you understand what I'm saying?"

He looks intently at me with that same questioning expression, but then his eyes dart back and forth from Carrick to me. His expression gets more and more anxious and afraid. "Oh Darling, no… no… it's OK." I try to settle him as I can see him starting to shake. " He's a good man. He's a good man, Christian." Well, if the size of the bruises on his body weren't enough evidence, then this display makes it pretty safe to say that some man in his mother's messed-up life, was the abuser. I have to wonder if he witnessed her being abused as well. Sadly, it seems quite likely.

I move to sit on Christian's bed to comfort him. "You are OK now. I like Carrick. In fact I love him. And he loves me. It's good, Christian."

"Christian?" Carrick softly tries to get his attention, "It's a very good thing." Christian looks over to Carrick and I can tell he is very unsure about anything Carrick is going to say right now. He watches Carrick like a hawk as he walks around the bed where there's room for him to sit too. This time, he doesn't ask, he just sits. "I'll be coming to visit with you here and Dr. Grace will be here with me. We like being together. It makes us feel good. It makes us happy. See? Like this!" He leans over and kisses me. We hear a small squeal and when we look up we see something heartbreaking. Christian is shaking again and leaning forward, hiding his face in his blanket.

I try to get Christian's attention. "Darling?... Darling look at me… Look. I'm fine." I reach over to gently rub his shoulder. He screams and moves back away from me. I will never forget that look on his face at this moment. Utter terror and pain… Why do I feel like I've just undone everything? "I'm sorry, Sweetheart. I'm sorry. Did I hurt you? I didn't mean to hurt you."

Christian is hugging that filthy blanket for dear life, again hiding his face from us. Carrick rubs my back again in a silent gesture of assurance. Thank God he's here with me, us, right now. I feel awful.

"Gracie? He had to have witnessed and endured some awful stuff," Carrick whispers. "It's going to take time, Baby. Really, it hasn't even been one day. You go on to work. You go on duty in fifteen minutes. I'll stay with him and you can come back in a little bit. OK? Let me have a few minutes here." He continues to rub my back. "It was my kiss that upset him. I need to try to fix this." I have tears running down my cheeks and I can't find a way to speak, but I nod to him and get up to leave the room.

/

_**Carrick**_

Christian is going to be a challenge. He's got some emotional scars that seem pretty extensive. I hope we know what we're doing. I'm looking at the top of his copper colored head as he rocks back and forth, face buried in that gawd awful blanket. It is so filthy, it has to smell terrible. How can he stand to have his face in that thing?

I remember my own blanket I had as a young boy. It would get really dirty too, but it always felt safe. It smelled like laundry detergent and my house. _Oh!..._ _that's it._ This pathetic thing smells like his house. Maybe even smells like his mother…

"Christian?" I ask gently. "Can you look at me, please?" He just continues to rock back and forth. No acknowledgement that I'm even here. We're back to this again? "Christian. I need you to look at me, now." The rocking stops, but the face is still buried. "If you can't look at me, I'll have to take the blanket away. I don't want to do that." _Why did I even threaten that? I can't imagine what he'd be like if I actually took it from him!_

He hugs tighter, but thankfully pulls his face away slightly. Still he hangs his head and makes no eye contact with me. "I think I scared you and I'm sorry about that. I think you find most men scary. Am I right?" Still no eye contact, but at least a slight nod. "I'm sorry I made you feel that way. I will try not to make you feel like that again. You were worried I was going to hurt Dr. Grace?" This time the nod is accompanied by tears on is cheeks

_A simple kiss and this is what you do? What you must have witnessed…_ "Oh, Buddy… I would never hurt Dr. Grace. I love her. Do you understand what that means?" Nothing. "Dr. Grace feels very sad because she thinks she hurt you. I hope you will still let her come in here and be your doctor. She really wants you to get better." Christian is still avoiding looking at me, but he does look over to the door and lets out a quiet whimper. "I know. You feel so much better when Grace is here." Christian turns and looks directly at me, as if truly noticing me for the first time. I see him look over my face. He wipes his eyes and hugs that awful blanket with the first peaceful expression I've seen on his face.

"Well, I agree she is something special. You know what she did? She brought you something while you were sleeping." I get up and walk back around the bed to the bag Gracie had packed. "Let's see what we have here…" I expected to pull out the rest of the books, but notice something extra. So I play it up a little. I look directly at Christian while I reach in and pull out a small box. "Oh! Listen to that!" I say as I shake it for him to hear it rattle. "What's in here?"

Christian's eyes light up in a questioning excitement. "Do you know what's in here? I don't know what's in here. It's a surprise!" I give my goofiest, wide-eyed expression I can muster. Christian doesn't laugh, but there is almost a smile.

Just then the nurse comes in. She must have already spoken to Grace because she doesn't even ask me if I am supposed to be in here. She begins talking to Christian about what she needs to do. It is obvious he is terrified of her getting anywhere near him. "Can't you wait for the doctor?" I ask. "He's really not feeling comfortable with this right now."

She goes about prepping whatever it is she's about to do. "I'm sorry Sir, it's marked on his chart that he should still be receiving the nutrient IVs and his bandages need to be changed. I'll be careful." She smiles and adds "We don't work in pediatrics by accident." Christian seems to know what she's planning to do because he is white as a ghost and his grey eyes couldn't look any more terrified. Thankfully, Grace comes back in at that moment.

She stands next to his bed with a pained and unsure look on her face. She's still upset about what happened. But then I see concern and sadness. I can tell by the change in Gracie's expression, she just wants to hug this poor little thing and I'm surprised when she doesn't. She sits down on the bed and looks right at him. Christian sees her, the color comes instantly back into his cheeks and his breathing calms a bit. But Grace? Is she doing OK?

"Christian," she starts quietly. "I'm so sorry if I hurt you. We do need to change the bandages again. It will make the burns feel so much better, so much faster. Shall we try like we did it last night?" She puts her hands up to him and he lets out a small, stifled grunt. "I know. But we have to. Go ahead. Squeeze away, Little Man." He reaches out his hands in her direction.

While Grace was occupying Christian's attention, the nurse replaced the IV. Then I saw her move to stand more behind him so she would be out of his line of vision. Christian takes one of Grace's fingers in each hand and closes his eyes tightly. The nurse works quickly to re-bandage the burns. It is the first I get to see the extent of the abuse… dark bruised shoulder blades, several different round burns on his skin… I see how tightly he is holding Grace's fingers, but Grace doesn't flinch. She just looks at him with a look I've seen many times before with Elliot. If I hadn't already agreed, there would be no way to deny it now. We have to make Christian part of our family, because seeing this? It's evident he already is.


	5. Chapter 5

_**How It Happened Chapter 5**_

"I'm looking for a Dr. Trevelyan?" I hear an unfamiliar voice calling my name. When I turn, I see a young female police officer at the nurse's station with a large manila envelope in her hands. I haven't been summoned to the E.R. so was surprised to see her here. The police are not normally up on the Pediatric floor without our prior knowledge. Is this about Christian?

"I'm Dr. Trevelyan. Can I help you?" The officer approaches me and holds out the envelope. If it hadn't looked to contain objects other than paper, I'd be worrying I'd just been served.

"I was told you are the physician for Christian Beckett. I'm Janet Williams. I am the officer who removed him from his house yesterday." She looks embarrassed, as if the deed is not something she wants to remember. "These are some personal items we recovered. All legal forms, his birth certificate, apartment lease, papers with his mother's identification, have been turned over to Friend of the Court. But I thought these things might mean something to him right now."

I'm surprised they were able to recover that much. "So you found a birth certificate?" I guess I'd think someone in his mother's position would not find keeping track of items like that, a priority. But I'm pleased. Having it will make the adoption process much easier.

"Yes Doctor. Well, I didn't. But yes one was recovered. For a crack addicted prostitute, Ella Beckett was actually pretty intelligent. All that stuff was together in a folder in a drawer. Surprised us too actually." Her expression changes to one of concern. "How is he? I mean, I know I was just doing my job, and he's not the first child I've had to remove, but it's not normally in that kind of situation. I don't mind telling you yesterday was pretty tough for me. I'm just wondering." Her pleading look is almost too much, but professionalism wins out.

"I'm sorry Officer Williams, I can't discuss his case with you. But If you don't mind, I'd like to ask you a couple questions about him. I mean about yesterday." She nods, and we move to sit on a bench in a waiting area.

"Did he say anything to you? How did it happen? I mean, was there anything out of the ordinary, for this kind of situation? I don't really know what normal would be, but I don't usually see this kind of…" I'm sure I don't sound very professional right now. I can hear the anxious desperation in my own voice.

She looks at me with empathy. She knows exactly what I'm feeling about this. There's a bit of comfort in that. "We had to break in the door. It was locked. I'm sure the noise must have scared him. We saw the body first. It was evident it had been there a while. Then we found the boy. He was hiding under a table holding a security blanket. A neighbor later told us his name was Christian. Actually, the 911 call didn't even mention him, just the body. I was told to get him out of there and the other officers took care of the rest. Paramedics were on their way, so I picked him up and took him out to the car. At first he was screaming for him mother…"

I had to interrupt. "He was screaming? Words? What did he say?"

The officer is surprised by my question, but lets out a deep breath before answering. "He just kept calling for his mommy. Well, first he screamed. I picked him up and he just screamed…" Knowing how he reacts to people touching him after we've bandaged those burns, her touch must have been excruciating for him yesterday. "Then he called for her, 'Mommy! No! Mommy!' Over and over. But then suddenly, when we got to the car, he just stopped. He didn't say anything else. He wouldn't answer my questions, so I focused more on trying to tell him we're there to help. He was only wearing a short sleeved shirt, so I saw those bruises on is arms. I'm guessing they're not the only ones." It's obvious the officer is pained remembering this. She closes her eyes and I see a frown on her brow. "I had to call for a second ambulance. We were only expecting a body. When the paramedics arrived, one group took care of…her, the others took care of him. I wanted to ride here in the ambulance with him, but wasn't able to. They left before I could check with the other officers." We sit silently and look at each other for a few moments.

I feel the need to give her some reassurance about something. And really, I'm indebted to this woman who rescued my little boy. "He's going to be OK. I promise."

"Is there any way I could see him? I just want to be sure…" She can't finish her statement. "I mean, whoever made the call didn't even think to tell us about him. Like he was nothing… didn't matter… And he was so scared yesterday." Her voice is a whisper. "Maybe seeing me again would be more frightening for him…" She looks down motioning to her uniform. I wish I could help, but I'm afraid she may be right. A uniformed officer, the one who took him away from his home, from his mother, coming into the room… "I'm glad he's getting help. I hope his future will be a lot better than his life seems to have been."

I take her hand in mine and look at her distraught face. "I promise. I will do everything in my power to be sure it is." She nods and stands to leave. I look at the bulky envelope in my arms. "What's in here anyway?"

"A few small toys. There weren't many in the place at all. And a photograph. Thank you for your time Doctor."

"No. Thank you Officer. You've been very helpful." I shake her hand and watch her walk down the hall to the elevator. Again I look at the bulging envelope. I want to look inside, but decide to let Christian do that. These are his things.

I head straight to his room and look through the window at him. Again, he's sitting up, holding that blanket. Curiously, the box of toys I brought from home is on the table unopened. There is a volunteer named Becca in the room with him which makes me glad. Sadly I can't spend my entire day in here with him, as much as I want to. I asked that someone stay with him while I'm on duty and Becca is one of our best teens. She's reading one of the books to him. I knock and enter quietly.

"Hey there Christian." I see a pleasant look on his face when he sees me. "Becca, has he opened that box yet?" I gesture toward the toys. She turns and seems to notice it for the first time.

"Um, no Doctor. Was he supposed to?" She looks a little embarrassed.

"Oh, no. It's not important. I'm just surprised. We'll get to it later. It's nothing to worry about. Would you mind giving us a minute?" Becca leaves assuring Christian that she's coming back so they can finish the story.

"Hey Little Man. What story are you hearing?" I pick up the book. "Oh… _Rainbow Fish_. This is a favorite of mine." He looks up at me but still says nothing. I'm thinking about what the officer told me- about hearing him calling for his mother yesterday. But now, nothing. No words. I hope it just needs some time. He points to my stethoscope and grunts.

"Actually, no. I'm not here to listen to your heart. I have something for you. These are from your house." He gives me a questioned expression as I open the envelope. I turn it to let the contents slide out… a toy airplane, two small cars, and a stuffed dog. She said there weren't many toys in the place. Is this all he had?

But I'm pulled from my thoughts by an excited squeal. Christian is smiling as he picks up the airplane. I watch with a lump in my throat as he flies it back and forth. An actual smile? What a joy to see! He's such a beautiful child. Then he picks up the other toys and plays with each for a moment. I feel myself relax for the first time since I was called to the E.R. yesterday. A little happiness in this sad, scared boy's life right now. I make a note to contact Officer Williams and send a thank you note.

I see him rolling the cars back and forth over the bed. I've seen Elliot do this many times, usually accompanied by some engine sounding noises that only boys seem to be able to make. But these cars are silent. "Do you like cars, Christian?" He doesn't take his eyes off the cars, but gives me a tussled hair nod. "Well then, let's see what's in this box over here." I reach for the box and it makes a metallic rattle. That gets his attention. When I hand him the box, he just looks up at me with surprise. "Go ahead. open it. We'll pretend it's a Christmas present." That gets me a questioning look. I'm assuming now he's never had Christmas… maybe never had a present.

He lifts the lid and I hear a happy squeal as he dumps the contents on the bed. Small cars, a train engine and a few more airplanes are piled together and he starts to pick up and inspect each one. Each gets its own chance to roll across the blanket, or fly across the air in front of him. It's quickly evident that his attention is really drawn to the airplanes and the one small helicopter I didn't even know was in the collection. I let him get off the bed to play for a few minutes. He wants to move all around the room, but the IVs are keeping him close to the bed area. As I begin picking up the abandoned cars to put them away, I note his face. Such a big smile. It's so nice to see him happy.

But my excitement at his happiness is quickly dampened when I see him bend down and pick up a small photograph that must have fallen when he climbed out. He looks at it and the smile fades. It's replaced by a sad expression. He looks up at me and I hear a soft grunt as he points to the photo. He points several times, each more anxious and each grunt more desperate. I see a worried, almost panicked look in his eyes. He wants me to do something.

"What do you want Christian? I don't understand." Then he holds the photograph out to me and I get to actually look at it. It's a woman with long dark hair. Her gray eyes look sad. It's an identical expression to the one I just saw on Christian's face. I look back at him and it hits me like a landslide. "Is this your mother? Is this Mommy?" He responds with frantic nods. He continues to point to the photo, then looks over and points to the door. Oh my god. He wants to know where she is… Is she coming through that door? He has no idea what happened.

I turn my head away from him because I do not want him to see me cry. I quickly press the nurse button to get someone in here so I can… what? Have a moment? Get him help? The nurse comes in and is more than surprised at my expression. "Nurse, please get Becca to come back in here with him. I have to… handle something." I turn back to Christian and hold out the photo. "I'll be back in a little bit. Do you want me to have this? Or do you want it?" Christian holds out his thin, bruised arms to take the picture back. His gown gaps enough for me to see the bandages covering the burns on his chest.

I cringe at the thought that this woman let someone harm him so severely… that she didn't take care of him and he became so malnourished… Where was she? How could she let this happen to her child? Logically I know how- her addiction. It replaced her son as the top priority her life. And to see how desperately he wants her to come to him, to see her…

Becca reenters the room. "Becca, could you please stay while he plays with the toys for a while, even play with him. I'm sure he'd like that." I want what little happiness he's had to continue as long as possible. It will be probably be gone when he learns why Mommy hasn't come to see him.

I go to the office where I can make a private call. Carry isn't answering and I get the machine; "Carry! When you get this message, please call me. Or come back to the hospital. So much has happened today… Did you hear from Friend of the Court yet? I need to talk to you soon, please. OK? Love you. Bye." I hang up the phone. I know he's either in with a client or in court. I have already put the call in for a child psychologist. I was told it's better to have the child's representative present for any psychological evaluation. Just to be sure everything is… I don't know...copasetic? We can work on the other fears and mutism later. Right now, I just want someone who understands how, to explain where Mommy is to a scared four year old boy.


	6. Chapter 6

**How It Happened- Chapter 6**

Carrick finally returns my call. It's only about 20 minutes later, but it was feeling like forever. I tell him all about Officer Williams, the toys, the photograph… Then he tells me Friend of the Court turned down his request.

"Oh no, Carry? Why?"

"Gracie, we knew it was a long shot, and really? It's probably better this way. Now there's no chance of anyone crying 'conflict of interest.' We can just file the adoption papers and start the process. You do realize, Honey, it will take a few months before he's even adoptable? There has to be time to try to locate any other living family…"

"I know, and that's really weighing on my mind too. It's going to be so hard for him to leave the hospital and have to go home to strangers."

"Hey… How about I come and bring lunch? What time is it usually served?"

"Served? Are you bringing lunch for me or for Christian?"

"Well I was thinking both of you. Thought we could all eat together."

"Carry, you can't bring lunch in here for Christian. All his food is specifically prepared. The nutritionist puts everything together, and in his case it all has to be correct proportion of nutrients. You saw him this morning. He's almost in a starvation mode. He could make himself sick if…"

"OK, OK. I won't bring a lunch for him. But can I bring one for you?"

"Yes. That will be fine. Lunch is usually served about 12:15 here. See you then?"

"I'll be there. Bye Sweetheart."

I hang up from the call just to hear the phone ring again. "Yes? What did you forget now, Carry?"

"Um, Dr. Trevelyan, please." Another unfamiliar voice pulls me back into my professional life.

"Oh, I'm so sorry. This is Dr. Trevelyan-Grey." It turns out to be the child psychologist. Thank god! "How quickly can we get you here to see Christian?"

"Actually, I'm planning on being there around three o'clock this afternoon. I've already been in contact with his legal representation so my visit and this conversation are already cleared. I was hoping I could get some background on his situation from you."

"Of course, but it's kind of intense. He's suffered significant neglect and physical abuse. Malnourishment, dehydration… There are both bruises and burns on his shoulders, back and chest. I'm sure that had to be accompanied by emotional abuse as well."

"It usually is, but what evidence have you witnessed?"

"He's very uneasy around men. He hid his face and rocked when he saw my husband kiss me, so I'm sure he's witnessed some horrible things. He does not like being touched. He screams moves away. However, he has unhealed sores from the burns, and some large bruising that is fairly new, so it could just be painful right now. He had a nightmare last night... pretty significant one…and he hasn't spoken since yesterday."

"Do you know the last words he did speak?"

"The police officer said he was calling for his mother. 'Mommy' over and over, then just stopped and hasn't spoken since. He comprehends quite well and does grunt and squeal. He points, nods and shakes his head… Doctor? I know he's going to need extensive help, but right now, he does not know or understand that his mother is dead. How do you explain that to someone so young?"

The psychologist asks me some more questions without really answering mine. I'm glad she's coming this afternoon. I think I'd be a wreck if I had to wait much longer than that. I'm filling in some information on a patient's chart when I feel an arm around my waist, and a kiss on my cheek.

"Oh! Carrick, you startled me. Is it 12:15 already?"

"Just about. I brought pasta. Hope that's OK. I hope it's not too different from what Christian's having. I figured spaghetti was a safe bet. I think the last three times your father was in here I saw him eating spaghetti." Just then I hear something I was not expecting to…

"Hi Mom!" I turn and see blond curls bouncing though the air as Elliot comes running down the hallway. "Dad let me ride in the el'vator by myself! It was so cool! And when I got on the wrong floor, I even figured it out all by myself!"

I'm more than a little surprised to see my son here in the middle of what should be a school day. I reach down and swoop him up in my arms. "How did you do _that?_" I ask trying to sound proud and excited while still confused.

"I asked somebody." He wiggles out of my arms and runs over to the food Carrick is holding. "Can we eat yet? _I'm starving!_" Hearing that word sets something off in me…

"You are not _starving_! _Starving_ is something you have _never_ known. You may be hungry right now, you may even be _very_ hungry, but you are not _starving_." Elliot looks at me with a very surprised and even scared look on his face. I'm sure this is not first time he's ever said he was starving, but today… with Christian… It's just not sitting right with me to hear him use that word. I close my eyes and let out a deep breath, then move down to be more on Elliot's level. "I'm sorry Sweetheart. I didn't mean to get upset." I look over at Carrick. He's looking worried and concerned as well.

He doesn't take his eyes off me, but addresses Elliot. "I'm sure Mommy is just hungry and feeling a little grouchy. We should eat soon. How about you go sit in the waiting area El… We'll be right there." Elliot is still not sure what just happened, but nods and heads off to sit right where I met with Officer Williams not too long ago. "Grace…" I can't even look at him. "Grace. Hey. What was that all about? Christian? Gracie, if it's too hard for you to work while he's here, could you just take a few days off?"

"This is really getting to me Carry... and it's only the second day. It's so hard to be here, at the hospital with him, but not be able to just be in there with him. And I am hungry." I gesture to the waiting area. "And I love that boy, but why is Elliot here? Shouldn't he be at school right now?"

"Oh, well, it was one of those half days. I think they give them to the teachers so they can go get a drink. I don't know how anyone does that job! Have you ever spent time in that first grade classroom?" I have to smile at him, because, yes I have. God bless those people. "And I didn't tell Elliot anything other than we're having lunch with Mom and a patient who could use a friend today. That's all he knows."

Just then I see the cart with lunches in the hallway. Carry goes to get Elliot and I speak with the orderly. I want to take lunch in to Christian. I hope he doesn't have an episode like this morning. I have no idea how Elliot would respond.

Becca left around 11:30 so Christian is alone in the room. Through the window I see he's rolling cars around the floor near the bed, the IV making almost a tether. Oh! The toys. "Elliot? Daddy told you we were eating with a patient right?" He nods. I think he's not sure about me right now. "His name is Christian, and I want you to know I brought some of your toys for him to play with. Just a few. I wanted you to know before we go in. Please let him play with them today OK?"

"OK," he responds rather subdued. He must still be unsure about my earlier outburst. "As long as it's not my Godzilla or my Legos… It's not is it?" He's looking at me very suspiciously. Oh he's fine.

"No Sweetie," I chuckle. "Just some cars and books." I open the door holding the tray for Christian. He stops and turns to see us all coming through the door. His eyes widen at the sight of all three of us, but are quickly focused on the food. Again, we hear him sniffing the air. "It's lunchtime Little Man." I say cheerfully. "How about you climb back up there and I get this ready for you." I gesture to the bed and head to the other side to put the food down.

Christian first looks at Carrick nervously, who returns a gentle smile. Then he turns to Elliot. They just look at each other. The tension is thick for a minute, but soon Elliot's bubbly personality takes over. "I'm Elliot. Those are my toys but I'm sp'osed to let you play with them today. I prob'ly won't need them back tonight 'cause Mom said it wasn't my Godzilla or Legos."

"OK, lunch boys," I hear Carrick cut in. "Christian, you hop back in the bed. Dr. Grace has your food ready." Christian just continues to look up at him and stand still. I see Carrick give Christian a raised eyebrow look… It's the same look he gives Elliot when he's refusing to do something he was told.

Christian looks up at him with trepidation for a moment, but then climbs back up on the bed. I watch as Carrick continues to give that look and Christian doesn't take his eyes off him. A few silent seconds go by, but then Christian scoots back so he's sitting up. I wheel the table into place but leave the cover over the food. I want us to all have our food and eat together. I can see Christian wants to take it off but is acting afraid to touch it. He's still sniffing, but at least he's not knocking the tray over, grabbing the food and stuffing it in his mouth like earlier. He's looking at the tray, then back to Carrick. My husband says nothing and I have no idea what's going on between them… But I feel it's best to stay out of it right now.

"Elliot, you can sit over here with me in the chair," I call to my son.

"How come I can't climb on the bed too?" He gives me a whiny pout.

"Elliot. Over here with me. Now." Elliot walks around the bed toward me. I'm still watching whatever is going on between Carrick and Christian. This unvoiced showdown between them is interesting but surprising, and I don't mind saying a little unsettling.

Finally, Carrick sits on the bed. He opens the bag and hands out the lunches to Elliot and myself. "OK. We've got some linguine with clam sauce for myself and Dr. Grace… and spaghetti with mini meatballs for Elliot… And Christian has," He takes the lid off and I almost laugh out loud. Spaghetti. He looks over at me with that 'Told ya' look on his face. But I'm glad my husband was so thoughtful.

Elliot reaches for a meatball with his fingers. "Table manners, Elliot," I remind him.

"How come I gotta' use table manners if I don't even gotta table?" He's frustrated, but picks up his fork to stab a meatball instead.

I see Christian reach his hand out toward the pasta, then hear Carrick clear his throat to get his attention. Again, he gives the raised eyebrow look. Christian stops in midair. Carrick nods toward the flatware and Christian redirects his hand to slowly reach for the fork. I'm glad to see he is no longer diving for his food, but he is a little perplexed with using the fork. He's trying to stab the pile of noodles, but is only managing a few actually into this mouth. He tries again and again.

Elliot has stopped eating and is watching Christian with a look of questioned surprise on his face. "How come you don't know the spinny thing with your fork? Sp'getti is easier if you spin it. Like this." He proceeds to demonstrate to Christian how to spin a fork to best fill it with the stringy pasta. Bless my son's little curly head! I realize again, that there is probably so much Christian has never experienced- things we just don't even think about- like spinning a fork in spaghetti. I catch Christian's glance and show him how I spin it in the linguine, then put it in my mouth. He looks at Carrick and he demonstrates the same.

We see him try the 'spinny thing' with his fork. It's not easy for him, but he tries over and over. I commend him for sticking with it. I know this is something very new to him. While he does manage to get a few more noodles into his mouth, it's not very many, really. It's not doing much to counteract the malnourishment, it's just making a mess. He looks over at us a few times, but we focus on eating our own lunches … Well, Carrick and I do. Elliot is just enamored with Christian's inability to simply eat spaghetti.

Christian looks back at Elliot with a mixture of uneasiness and frustration. I whisper in his ear, "Elliot, please eat your lunch and let Christian eat his without your staring. It may be making him uncomfortable."

"But Mom, why isn't he…" Elliot starts, but I give _him_ the raised eyebrow look now. I know he's not really sure what is going on. But he knows that look well enough not to talk back, and he finally does get back to his own lunch. Thankfully, we are all eating and Carrick starts a conversation with Elliot about school.

We get more information than we really need about who put what coloring implement into which facial orifice. I let Carrick know the psychologist is coming later without really saying enough to alert either of the boys. Our conversations continue with ease, just like at home. We try to include Christian by asking questions about playing with Becca and the toys. We get stares, but no response. We try to continue an atmosphere of family, by talking with Elliot as we normally would. During the conversation, we hear a few muffled grunts that sound frustrated and worried. But then, we all hear a loud, high-pitched noise and look up to see Christian angry, and the fork across the room.

Christian begins grabbing handfuls of noodles and shoving them into his mouth. I'm stunned and unable to say anything. I'm sure Carrick is feeling the same. It's the breakfast fiasco all over again. Pasta everywhere, sauce all over his face, in his hair... Unsurprisingly, Elliot has to chime in on this behavior he knows would never be tolerated at our dinner table. "Hey! How come I gotta' use manners and he can eat with his fingers!?"

"Grace?..." I hear Carrick's tone and know I need to give him a minute alone to deal with this.

"Elliot! We forgot to wash our hands! Let's go wash our hands. Come on. Come with me…" I put down our food, take his hand and lead him toward the door.

"Mom! There's a sink right in the bathroom… Can't we just wash our hands in there?" I continue to drag my son out of the room and to another washroom. I'm nervous while I realize I have no idea what Carry is doing with Christian. I have no idea how much time he'll need. I hope he doesn't scare him… But I remember this morning, the food all cleaned up and a fork in Christian's hand. If he did it before, I'm hoping he can do it again.

I lift Elliot to wash his hands. He can tell I'm uneasy and anxious. He looks at me in the mirror. "Hey Mom? You're a good doctor. Can you doctor things like bad days? 'Cause I think that kid is having one. He could use some help." Out of the mouths of babes.


	7. Chapter 7

_** I apologize this took so long. I had to revise this more times than I can count before it sounded right. **__**Thank you for all the wonderful feedback!**_ It's kept me writing a lot longer than I ever intended.  


_**How It Happened Chapter 7- Cleaning Up Spaghetti**_

_** Carrick**_

_ Damn!_ _And I thought this was going to go so well. Then again, it hasn't even been one day. What was I expecting, miracles?_ Christian continues to shovel noodles into his mouth. This time he's getting his whole hand in there and starts licking off the sauce. Gawd, he's making a mess. Sauce is absolutely everywhere! It's all over his gown, we've already replaced these blankets once today and we're definitely looking at doing it again… I want to just pull him away from the food, but can I touch him? If he screams at Grace when she does it, there's no way it will work for me. And really? I just came from court. I'm not dressed for this. I don't want to go anywhere near all that sauce. I'm not exactly sure how to go about this, this time.

Then I'm pulled from my thoughts. I hear him gagging, but the noises suddenly stop. There are noodles hanging out of his mouth, sauce is all over his face, into his eye lashes… His eyes are wide and panicked. I realize what's happening…

"Spit it out! _Now!_ Christian! _Spit it out!_" I think he's choking! I hold out a napkin and some of the offending food falls out, but he still isn't making any noise. His face is red- and not all of it is sauce. His eyes are watering as they look up at me in desperation. I don't even think, but move to be more behind him and wrap my arms around his stomach. I pull just under his ribs. More noodles are expelled and I hear him taking deep breaths, but each breath is accompanied by a muffled scream and flailing arms. Realizing that my touch, both on his stomach and the pressure on his back against me are causing them, I immediately let go and reach to push the table out of the way so he doesn't dive for the food again. I'm not sure he understands the cause and effect that just happened here, and I'm not taking any chances .

I move to get his milk and hold up the carton and straw. "Here ya go. Relax…" He takes it and drinks it down like it's the elixir of life. Which in a way, I guess it is. He is rocking as he drinks the milk. I don't believe that's a good sign.

My faculties return and I think to push the nurse button. I suppose someone needs to know he was just choking and there is no 'Dr. Grace' button. The nurse comes in and is in shock by the red mess all over the blanket. I assure her it's just spaghetti sauce but tell her what happened. As she checks Christian to be sure he's OK, I ask "Is Dr. Grace coming?" When she is sure Christian is OK, she tells me Grace is not out in the hall right now but will send her in when she returns. "Can you please get some clean bedding? And he's going to need a new gown." _Hell, he's going to need a bath! _ Thankfully her training kicks in and she gets a wet washcloth from the bathroom to wipe him down a bit. He's not very comfortable with this, but I notice she's not touching his body, just his face, and he's letting her. She wipes off his hands next and tells me there are clean gowns in the cabinet. "Thank you. I can take care of that," _when we're done cleaning up the mess_. No sense getting a second one dirty quite yet.

While the nurse heads out to get the other clean items, I turn to face Christian. "Christian… Buddy… you have to stop doing this. Do you hear me? You are going to make yourself sick. Dr. Grace wants you to get better, not worse." I said the magic words; Dr. Grace. He looks around and notices she's gone. His eyes widen in panic. Pointing to the door he grunts and starts to climb out of the bed.

"Whoa. No. You're not going anywhere." I'm keeping calm, but he's ignoring me and heading to the door. Luckily, the IV lines will only let him go so far. "I said no." Then we're back to the stare down. _This little bugger is stubborn!_

"You made another mess, and it needs to be cleaned up again." I know the nurse is bringing the clean items but the least we can do is strip the ones here. "Come on… Over here now. You take this right here.." I hold the edge of the blanket out to him. Again I get the frustrated expression. "Yeah, I know you don't want to, but that's just too bad. Take it." I can hear my voice raising and I'm trying not to let it but really? Our casual family lunch has been a bit stressful. Miraculously, Christian takes the edge and I pull with him so the blanket comes flying off. Apparently this is fun to him because I see something close to a smile.

We are taking off the sheets when the door opens and Grace returns with Elliot. "Carry? What on earth?..."

"Hey! Can I do it too?!" Elliot runs over to grab some of the blankets as well.

"Elliot, no! You're going to get covered in…" But I'm too late. Elliot already has the sheet off the bed and flying through the air. "Oh what the hell. Have fun." I step back and watch as Elliot, proceeds to whip off all the bedding, pile it on the floor and roll around on it like it's a pile of leaves.

After a moment of watching in wonder, Christian cautiously joins Elliot on the pile. He doesn't really move around, but is kneeling and watching Elliot as if he needs to learn what to do first. Elliot is laughing as he buries himself in the blankets. He's thoroughly enjoying himself. Christian is almost letting himself too. He lifts one up and puts it over his head.

"Carrick! We can't let them.."

"Why not? They're having fun and they're washable."

The nurse has come back and in spite of the boys on the floor, has remade the bed. It's amazing to me how nurses can make a bed about as perfectly as the military. I'm sure I could bounce a quarter off that thing.

"We need to finish lunch Carrick. Christian really needs to eat."

Oh! The fork. We didn't even get to that. I see it across the room, so I step over the pile of boys-in-a-blanket to retrieve it and head to the bathroom to wash it off. I hear Grace take over.

"OK you two. Enough is enough. Time to finish lunch. Elliot, out of there. Christian, you too. We need to get you back in the bed."

"Aww, Mom!" Elliot's whine brings a smile to my face. As I step back into the room I have to laugh. Both of them have red sauce in their hair, on their faces, on their clothes… I find the gowns in the cabinet and hand one to Grace.

"Well, that takes care of Christian, what about Elliot?"

"I'll get him changed when we get home. For now, I'll just wipe him down. Come here Elliot. I need to clean you up a bit." I take him into the bathroom and hear Grace on the room phone, returning to the task at hand- lunch.

"…and I need another lunch for Christian Beckett… As soon as possible…. We're not really sure how much he actually ate…. Um, how about something less messy than spaghetti…. that would be perfect. Thank you."

Elliot and I emerge from the bathroom. He heads back over by Grace and grabs his lunch. "Now I'm _really_…" He notices his mother's stern look. "…hungry." He continues to eat while Grace and I finish wiping up the sauce on the table. We haven't given Christian back his food yet. He's looking from us to Elliot and watching him finish lunch. When he figures out what's happening, he gets upset and make his feelings known.

First he's making loud, panicked whiny grunts. Then he adds the fists pounding on the bed. I start to say something, but Grace holds her hand up to stop me so she can handle this one. She sits on the bed and looks directly at him. "Now stop. You could have been finished by now if we hadn't had that episode. You cannot act that way when you eat." She's much calmer than I was feeling, but he's definitely listening to her. "Another lunch is coming very soon, but now you have to wait. That's the consequence. You make a mess with your food, you can't eat it."

Christian looks hurt and gets teary eyed. Not the reaction I was expecting. Frustration maybe, but tears? Grace in all her wisdom handles this like a pro. "No tears. It will be here soon, and then you can eat. But we will not be having any more of those episodes, do you hear me?" She holds her hand out to me. I give her the fork, unsure what she's going to do next, but in awe of her demeanor right now. She's being loving but firm. Christian is staring at her with a slight look of shame. "I said 'Do you hear me?'" Christian hangs his head slightly and nods. "If you need this, we will help you learn to use it. It will, however, never end up on the other side of the room again. Have I made myself clear?"

Christian has a lone tear running down his cheek. She definitely has some kind of powerful connection with him. Again he slowly nods but doesn't take his eyes off hers. We hear another muffled whine. Grace reaches for her lunch, I sit and take mine back. Elliot is wisely staying out of things this time. I see Grace hand Christian her garlic bread. Silently, he takes it and begins slowly eating it. He's obviously still unsure about any of us right now.

I whisper over to Grace. "I thought you didn't want any outside food brought in."

She whispers back, "Well, I can't have him sitting there while we eat in front of him, now can I?" I have to smile. She is amazing.

Soon the orderly brings in another lunch. We place it on the tray, and cut up the piece of chicken. Grace picks up the fork and hands it to Christian. "Just stab it into the meat and put it in your mouth." We watch as he once again, tries to use the fork. This time is a bit easier and he proceeds to try everything on the plate. Chicken, green beans, mashed potatoes… No mess. Well, less of one anyway. We all continue eating rather calmly.

After a while I notice the time. Grace's lunch hour has been over for ten minutes, Elliot has finished his lunch and is playing with some of the cars on the floor but I can see his eyes getting droopy. I look at Christian. He's also looking tired.

"I think it's time to take Elliot home, Baby. You need to get back to work, and I think both boys could use a nap."

Grace gives Elliot a hug as tight as she dares; there's still red sauce on his clothes I'm sure she doesn't want on her coat. That would probably not go over so well. I look over at Christian. He's still not too sure about me yet, but the initial fear isn't really there anymore. "OK Buddy, we're heading out. You finish your lunch and be good for Dr. Grace, OK? I'll see you later. Elliot, come say good bye to Christian."

Elliot looks at him and says "Bye. You can play with my toys more. It's OK." I send him out to wait for me. Turning to Grace I look deeply into her eyes. "You are amazing, you know that? This is one lunch I will never forget."

"Well, I'd say it's all in a day's work, but that would be a lie." That's not what I expected her to say. "This wasn't a doctor thing Carry, this was a Mom thing."

"Yes, I guess it was." Not wanting to upset the little guy in the bed again, I walk out of the room before I give her a kiss. "Well, Gracie you are one hell of a mom."

"Eww! Kissing?!" We hear Elliot's disgust and we have to laugh.

I turn to him and add "Someday, you may not mind so much young man. Come on, let's go now. We'll see Mom and Christian later," and I turn to head for the elevators.

"Carry? Will you do me a favor?" I turn around and give her a nervous look. Didn't this whole thing start with her asking me to do something for her? She takes something out of her coat. "Wash this please." She holds out Christian's filthy security blanket. "He hasn't noticed it's gone yet. Maybe you can get it washed before this evening? I don't' think we'll get through the night without it, but…"

I look through the window at him. "Sure. I think we're OK for a while." I nod to the door and Grace looks in too. Christian is sound asleep with the fork in his hand.


	8. Chapter 8

_**How It Happened **_

_**Chapter 8**_

Grace

I'm watching Christian through the window. He's holding the photograph of his mother and there is evidence of tears on his cheeks, but none flowing right now. I wish I knew what he was thinking. I wish he would talk to me. I wish he'd let me hold him and comfort him…

Dr. Evens, the child psychologist, came by at three to see Christian like she had said. As much as I wanted too, I was not allowed to be in there with him. However, his Friend of the Court representation was. I was very thankful to see it was Jackson Price. He's known Carrick for years and let me know he was on top of this case. I guess Carry let him know our intentions. Dr. Evens and Jackson were in with Christian for almost an hour but let me know there is still a lot to do, and they'll be back the next day to continue. "But does he know she's dead? Does he know his mother is not coming through that door?"

"Dr. Trevelyan, we had a long discussion about that. Well, as much as I can discuss with a child who doesn't talk. But I did address that. It will take time for him to fully understand."

"So how much longer before he is talking? Is it just fear? Or is there more to this…"

"It's called Reactive Mutism. It's a form of Selective Mutism and is almost always related to a trauma of some sort. In this case, being taken from his mother. And I'm afraid that hearing about her passing may have deepened it. Basically, he's withdrawn completely into himself. It's a protection mechanism the brain uses. The good news is you indicated changes in facial expressions and emotions. That means he is allowing himself to feel emotions. Sometimes patients with Reactive Mutism are so withdrawn, there is no change in expression regardless of situations.

She continues after noting my lack of response. "I certainly hope he continues to get help after he's released from here. Michigan will provide some services as he's now a ward of the state, but he will probably require significantly more than the state may be willing to fund. I cannot tell you much more right now. Mr. Price has informed me of your intentions to adopt, but until things are legal, I…"

"I understand." I let out a deep breath I didn't realize I had been holding, for probably about an hour, and try to smile at her. "Thank you. And thank you Jackson. It makes me feel a little better knowing you, and your understanding here."

"Not a problem Grace. Carrick made it pretty clear he wants some extra care taken on this case. After meeting that little boy, I can see why." Dr. Evans excuses herself and I take this opportunity to pry a little.

"Jackson, come on… can you tell me anything? How about as Council to Attending Physician?" I look at him with pleading eyes. I see him almost relent.

"Grace, you know I'd love nothing more than to set your mind at ease here, but I really can't, other than to say that the abuse indicated by the physical marks was confirmed." I look at him with almost contempt. "But I'm sure you already knew that." I shake my head at him. I know he can't discuss anything with me unless it's medically related. Why can't psychologically be part of that this time? "I will tell you that the foster family he's been assigned to will be coming by tomorrow. They were contacted today, and Child Protective Services will be taking him there once you give him the all-clear to be discharged. By the way, any idea how long that will be? We just want to give them an idea."

I cannot believe how nonchalantly he's saying this! He knows we want to adopt Christian and he's discussing someone else taking him home… I'm really about to lose it here… Maybe Carry's right. Maybe I should take some time off right now and just be there for Christian as a mother, not a doctor… But then I'll have to relinquish control of this case and have no control over anything… And then watch another woman take him away from me…

"Grace? Are you alright? You just went really pale. Do you need to sit down?" Jackson is being very sweet, but right now I just want Carrick.

"Dr. Trevelyan? They need you in room 16." One of the nurses brings me back to reality. I have to pull myself together. There is another child who needs me in my professional capacity. How do I put this out of my head? This is going to be so difficult.

"Of course. I'll be right there. Thank you." I give the nurse an attempt at a smile and look back at Jackson. "Thank you for your help, Councilor." I see Jackson's look of concern as I turn to make my way to room 16.

/

Carrick

I received a call from Christian's council, Jackson Price. He was with Christian while the psychologist did her evaluation. He wouldn't tell me anything except about Grace. "Really Carrick, she didn't look very well. She went pale…"

"Thanks Jackson. I'll go pick her up. She's off duty in about 45 minutes anyway."

"How about you guys come down to the courthouse tomorrow and sign the papers. He's not going to be adoptable for a few months yet, but your papers will be in first. No one else even knows about him. Maybe it will help Grace a little to know it's in the works?"

I get off the phone with Price and head out to get Grace. Elliot is playing at a neighbor's house and they agreed to let him stay and eat with them tonight. Grace is not going to like coming home. I know she's going to want to stay with Christian tonight again, but I think she needs to get some rest. This case has her in a tizzy.

When I get off the elevator, I see Gracie looking in the window of his room. I have the clean blanket with me. I hope he's OK with it. I didn't want it to be so different he didn't recognize it, so I just washed it by hand to get the majority of the filth out. I tried something too. I hope it works.

"Hey Baby. Is everything…"

"Shhhh." She silently points into the room. Christian is laying on his side looking at a photograph. He looks so sad. I can see tear tracks on his cheeks, but he's not making a sound. "He's been like that since the psychologist left today." I wonder if she means he's been crying all this time. Has she been in there with him? I can't believe she wouldn't have gone in, but she seems to be staying out of his line of sight for a reason. "She told me they discussed his mother being dead but it will take time. Look at him. That's a photo of his mother. He understands enough." We wait another minute in silence. "Oh that poor baby. I'm going in to him. I need to check those sores anyway."

With that, Grace opens the door. Christian doesn't move. Doesn't even look up. "Christian? I need to check your bandages. Will you sit up please?" Christian doesn't move. Doesn't even acknowledge she said anything. Grace walks to the other side of the bed and sits behind him. I can tell she wants to rub his back like she does when Elliot is upset, but she just touches his head instead. "Please Darling, I need to be sure you are doing OK."

This time he rolls over to her. He looks back at the photo, then back to Grace. He stares at her a minute, then pulls himself up to sit. I see him hand the photo to her and look away. "Do you want me to hold this for you?" Christian pushes her hand and the photo away from himself. "You don't want this?" He shakes his little copper-colored head slowly. I see another set of tears fall silently. "OK. I'll put it away. You let me know if you want it later." Christian continues to look away from her. He sees me in the doorway but doesn't change his expression at all. At least until he sees what I'm holding.

His eyes grow wide when he sees his blanket in my arms. We hear his high pitched grunting as he reaches out for it, almost panicked. "Here, Buddy." I hold it out to him "Doctor Grace asked me to wash it for you." OK, so I'm blaming it on Grace since I know he'd never be mad at her. Me, on the other hand? Me he probably would never forgive if it doesn't seem the same.

He hugs it close, hides his face and rocks for a while. I join Grace and sit on his bed unsure of what to do or say right now. Then suddenly, he pulls back and looks up at me, then to Grace. She asks if everything is OK and he hides his face again. I look to Grace as the expert in this area, but she looks as lost as I am, so we just watch and wait. Finally Christian puts the blanket down, but reaches out slowly to pull on Grace's arm, bringing her down closer to his level. He kneels up to her head and lightly sniffs her hair. Then reaches for and smells the blanket again. Hugging it closer, he lays back down looking up at the ceiling, no expression, but at least he's not crying anymore.

Grace looks over to me with a 'What did you do?!' expression, and silently motions for me to join her in the hallway. Oh boy. I hope I'm not in trouble. In the hallway I see Grace's questioning accusatory expression. "Please explain what just happened in there, Carry."

"Me? How would I know? All I did was just wash a blanket."

"No. I know you. You don't ever "just' do anything. He went from downright despair to smelling my hair for Pete's sake. I'm not mad, I'm just stumped. He's never tried to smell my hair before. What was he doing? And why was he doing it?"

"I'm pleading the fifth."

"Not that easily, Buster. Come on. What did you.."

"OK!" I hold my hands up in surrender. "I washed the blanket like you asked, but then I sprayed that hairspray you use,… you know the one that smells like apples?.. into the air and wafted it onto the blanket. I figured if it used to smell like his house or his mother before I washed it, then it might be more comforting for him if it smelled like you now. I don't know if you've noticed it Baby, but that little boy has some significant connection to you."

Grace looks at me and I see the tears welling up. I hate to see her cry. "Carrick, you are wonderful! Thank you for everything!" I feel her wrap her arms around me and almost knock me over. "I'm so sorry I'm being emotional. This whole thing is just so difficult. I'm never like this… It's always just professional, but this time…"

I know what she's trying to say and I need to get her focused again. Even though she's getting emotionally connected, she's still his doctor right now. "As much as I love your arms around me Baby, maybe we should get back in there. He still needs the bandages changed." Grace moves back, wipes her eyes, and nods. When we re-enter the room, Christian is laying on the other side holding the blanket to his face. I watch as Grace approaches him and gently talks and sooths him as she attends to her duties.


	9. Chapter 9

_**How It Happened **_

_**Chapter 9**_

Grace

Carrick convinced me to head home with him so I could get some rest. I really didn't want to leave Christian, but my husband wasn't taking no for an answer. I did get him to let me come back later by agreeing to take a few days at part time. Then I can maintain the position as Christian's physician, and spend more time just being with him. I was able to help Elliot with his math homework and listen to him read to me. He even helped me make dinner for us, but I was really upset that I wouldn't be there for Christian's dinner time. I called the nurses and asked that a volunteer be with him. I didn't want him to be alone, nor did I want another possible choking incident.

After dinner Carrick walked me into our bedroom to take a nap. I argued but don't really know why. I was exhausted; both physically and emotionally. I slept from 6:30 to 8:30, but now insist I go back to be with Christian. Elliot is just going to bed so I tuck him in, kiss him goodnight and head back to the hospital.

I check in at the nurses' station first. They tell me Christian is still awake. I ask about dinner. Thankfully, the mac and cheese went off without too much trouble. I guess there was a small mess, but once he tried using the spoon, it went much better. It's progress.

When I enter his room he is sitting up holding that blanket. He almost looks like he did last night. Except, now I can see a visible difference in his skin, thanks to the hydration. Hopefully soon we'll see the nutrition and weight gain taking effect. Some of the bruises are turning yellow, so they're healing too and the consistent attention has hastened the healing process for most of the burns as well. He's a quick recovery so far and as a physician, I am quite pleased! Let's hope it works this way for him emotionally as well.

"Good evening Darling. I'm here to say goodnight. Would you like me to read you a story before you go to sleep?" Christian shakes his head and points to my chest with a surprised and questioning look. "Oh. My stethoscope? No I don't have it right now. I'm just here to visit, not to be a doctor." He points and grunts like last night. "Would you like to hear your heartbeat again?" He silently nods. " I can arrange that." I get another stethoscope from the nurses' station and let him listen to his and my heartbeats. He tries listening to his face, his arms, the pillow, bed, table and his blanket. While I know there is not a lot to hear in any of those items, he is amazed to hear his own breath and probably the scratching of the stethoscope against the objects.

"So how about that story now so you can go to sleep. Let's see… you already heard these two, so how about… Oh, _Trouble With Trolls_… This is by one of my favorite authors. All of her books have little clues in the pictures for you to see and figure out…" I proceed to read to him and show him the pictures along the edges that show what else is happening in the story. He is soon looking for them before I can point them out. He is very bright.

When we finish he motions for another book. Really he should be getting to sleep, but there is an urgency, almost a fear in him, that encourages me to read another. I think he is truly afraid to go to sleep. I let him choose from the book collection this time. He chooses a number book; adding Hershey's kisses. After about only three pages, he takes the book out of my hands and begins looking at it very inquisitively. I can actually see from his expressions that he is thinking through the puzzles. I can even see when he feels he has the answer. He turns the page and holds it up for me to read to him. He gives a small smile. I guess that means he is right.

I look at my watch and see that it's almost 9:30. I hear Christian yawn and note he is looking very tired. "OK darling boy, now it's definitely time for you to sleep. I'll be right here. I'm not going anywhere." He looks quite frightened and holds out his hands to me. I put mine out and he grabs my fingers like he's done when the bandages were changed. He lays back and closes his eyes. I feel his tight grip as he tries to relax. It's been a long, difficult day. I don't know what compels me to, but I begin singing softly to him. _"Hush little baby, don't say a word…"_ I see his eye lids relax a bit. _"Papa's gonna' buy you a mocking bird…"_ I hear his breathing calm and even out. _"If that mocking bird don't sing…"_ Is he actually asleep already? _"Papa's gonna' buy you a diamond ring…"_ I feel his grip lax and release my fingers. Oh, little boy, sleep well. I put the now fresh blanket in his arms. He hugs it close and hides his face.

Again, I am wakened by Christian's moaning and grunting, soon accompanied by his thrashing in the bed. Another nightmare? "I'm right here… Shhhhhh…" This time I know what to do; I grab his blanket and he hugs it tightly, I give him my fingers to squeeze and he holds them tightly. Everything about him is so tense. "Shhhh… It's alright, I'm here, Darling… I'm here… Shhhh…" He's still shaking and moaning. The sweat is beading on his head…. _"Hush little baby, don't say a word…"_ And I see his face relax… It's going to be another long night.

We go through this three more times before morning. In the meantime, the nurses come and go, readministering the IV hydration and nutrients. Despite everything going on around him and in his own mind, Christian never really awakens. I, on the other hand, hardly get any sleep. But apparently I did get some rest, as I find myself wakened with a start.

Christian wakes before I do. When I open my eyes, he is sitting up, hugging his blanket and looking at me. "Well, good morning, Christian. How long have you been awake?" I look at my watch. It's only six a.m. Really? What is he doing up so early? I don't think breakfast will be served for another hour. "How about you lay back down and sleep a little more? It isn't even time for…" I'm cut off by a shake of his head. He points and reaches for the box of toys. Maybe he can play and I can sleep a little longer. I give him the box and he dumps its contents on the bed again. He gets down and starts rolling silent cars back and forth along the floor , and flying quiet airplanes through the air. I feel myself begin to drift off once more, thankfully.

That's short lived however when I feel Christian pulling at my arm. Again I'm jolted awake. Only this time there's a small airplane in my face. "What, Darling? You want me to play?" He nods and I get a small, shy smile. I'd really like to get another hour of sleep, but apparently, this little guy is ready to go. "OK. Give me a minute…" I stand and stretch. He's already off and rolling cars back and forth along the floor.

He moves and knocks one a bit too hard with his foot. It goes across the room where the IV tubes won't let him reach. "I'll get it, Sweetheart." I walk over to the small toy and roll it back in his direction. Christian looks up at me in amazement. He picks up the toy, looks at it, looks at me, then reaches it up to me gain. I take it, walk back across the room and silently roll it back to him. We do this about four more times. I don't say anything, I'm too fascinated by his fascination.

Another look of amazement and his expression to me assures me this kind of reciprocal play was not in his life experiences. I remember Becca yesterday, I thought she played with him, but maybe a teenaged girl's idea of playing with him is different than this experience, because he certainly is acting like this is very new.

"Here, let's try this…" I take another car and get down next to him. "OK, on three we'll let them race. One…two…three!" I let my car go but Christian is still holding his, looking back and forth from me to the car that is now across the room. "It's a race, Darling. We let them go together and see which one goes farthest. Let's try again. I grab a couple more from the pile on the bed. "OK, on three we let go. One… two… three!" I push my car and it rolls to the far wall. Christian still has his hand on his.

I begin to feel this is something for Dr. Evans to know. He is four years old and apparently never learned that these little toys will roll when you let go, that someone can send it back to you, maybe doesn't even understand the concept of 'one, two, three, go.' These are such simple concepts that all children learn by this age. But not this child. However, thinking about the life experiences he does know far too much about, makes me cringe and want to cry.

We try the race a few more times. I win them all because he isn't letting go of his car. Then I try to help him. "Here. Let me show you." I reach over to demonstrate by taking his hand in mine. He shrieks and pulls his arm back. He stands and hurries out of the way for the security of the bed. The look on his face, like yesterday morning, is of uncertainty, fear and pain. "I'm so sorry Christian. Please do not be afraid of me. I would never hurt you. I want to help you. Can I please just hold your hand to show you how to play with me?"

Christian is holding his hand behind his back. In that position, I can see the bruises on his upper arms, and realize why he is so afraid. It's more than likely the only touch he's really known has been harsh and painful. "I would never hurt you. Please come back and play with me. We don't' have to race. We can do something else. Please?" I want to hold my hand out to him, bit feel in this case that may be counterproductive. Instead, I pat the spot next to me where he was sitting just a minute before. Then I put my hands in my lap to show him I have no intention of touching him. I can see the wheels spinning in his head debating whether or not to trust what I've said.

It feels like forever, but he finally does cautiously walk back over to me. He kneels back on the floor and looks up to me. I decide the best thing to do is say nothing until he's ready to play. He slowly puts the car on the ground, gives it a push, and lets go. It doesn't make it across the room, but it is no longer in his hand.

"Well done, Darling. Would you like to try again?" I hand him another car. He pushes and lets go. This time it goes farther than before. "That's it! Good job!" I go to gather the other cars that have already made it across as our pile is getting smaller now. I decide to roll them back to him. He is very pleased with this game. At least his face looks pleasant and not scared or confused. He surprises me then when he looks up at me and pats the floor where I had just been sitting moments before. I don't say anything, but go to sit down next to him. He hands me a car and puts his down on the floor. I follow his lead. He looks at me expectantly. It takes me a minute but I realize he's waiting for me to count to three. "OK, one, two…three!" We both let go of our cars and they roll off in opposite directions. It's impossible to tell which one really went farthest. I look into the happy eyes of this amazing child. I feel the lump at the back of my throat when I proudly tell him, "You win!"


	10. Chapter 10

**How It Happened **

**Chapter 10- Meeting the Colliers **

"Hello! We're looking for room 27, please. Christian Beckett." My ears pick up the jovial voice at the nurses' station, but my heart stops at the 'Christian Beckett' part. I walk quickly to find out who is inquiring about him. I see they have ID stickers which means they checked in downstairs. The nurse directs the couple but gives me a concerned look.

I give the couple a speculative eye before I state firmly "I'm Dr. Trevelyan-Grey. I'm the attending physician for Christian Beckett. Can I help you?"

"Oh, Doctor! It's so wonderful to meet you." I can see I'm about to get a big hug from this smiling, middle aged woman, but take a small step back. I don't even know who this is. If she noticed my avoidance, she doesn't say anything. "We are the Colliers. I'm Helen and this is my husband Ben. We've come by to meet Christian. We've been notified he'll be coming to stay with us when he's released."

"We heard the boy's a bit shaken," Mr. Collier chimes in. "We wanted to get to know him before the big move." It takes a quick moment for me to figure out what's going on here. Then I realize, these are the foster parents Jackson told me about yesterday. These are the people who will take my son away from me… _Well excuse me Mr. and Mrs. Collier if I don't jump for joy._ That's inappropriate of me. I have to suppress my anxious thoughts here. It's not their fault, and the waiting period to find family will not go away no matter how much I want it to… And really, this is certainly not the first time I've met foster parents preparing to take a child to their home. It's just that this time, it's _my_ child…

"I assume you are the foster family?" Mrs. Collier nods enthusiastically while Mr. Collier responds with a 'You betcha'.' I chide myself for being so abrupt. I can see they are really very loving people and seem very excited to be getting another charge to care for. I note the envelope Mr. Collier is holding which I'm sure is all the right paperwork to have whatever discussions they need to have with me regarding Christian. Maybe they even have rights to talk with the psychologist… "Could we talk for a few minutes, before you see him?" I motion for them to follow me to a more private area. "Mr. and Mrs. Collier, may I see your paperwork please?" _I'm not letting them in if even one 't' is not crossed…_ What is wrong with me? Give these people the benefit of the doubt, Grace.

Of course the paperwork is all there and completely accurate. They are both smiling at me like we're old friends. I want to be polite and welcoming, but am having a hard time getting past civil. "What have you already been told about Christian's situation? There is a lot we are dealing with here and he will need to stay three to five more days, at least." It's actually more on the 'three' side, but I'm giving a couple days for weight gain… and to keep him with me.

The Colliers tell me they are aware of the abuse, his mother, even the trauma-induced mutism. I'm impressed. Mr. Collier adds "We've been down this road before, Doctor. We know it's a delicate situation at first. We just want to get to know him so he's less frightened when we take him home…" _Home?_ _No. __**I**__ want to take him home… You are just a temporary situation…. He's coming home with me…_ I can feel my heart begin racing and my breath get ragged. I need to separate myself from this one way or the other. Either I'm Dr. Trevelyan or I'm a mother. I can't do both… Dear Lord, help me…

Mrs. Collier gently comments "Doctor, this is not new to us. Although this seems to be one of the more severe cases, most of the children we get have experienced some form of abuse and neglect." Then she says something that puts my mind more at ease about them, and really, this whole thing. "No child gets placed into foster care because they have two loving, caring parents."

I take a deep breath and look into the faces of this very kind couple. I note the irony that a comment like that actually has made me feel better. They aren't just some people who take care of kids with no homes, they really enjoy what they do. They truly care for these children. They get it. "I'm sorry. Of course. Let me take you to him."

I lead them down the hall to Christian's room. I'm breathing a little more calmly as I reach to open the door. I try to sound reassuring, but have to add, "Mr. Collier, please be aware that Christian is not comfortable with men. And he does not like to be touched." I open Christian's door. He's sitting on the bed, silently flying two of the airplanes from Elliot's collection.

I approach him with a smile to help put him at ease. "Christian, there are some people here to meet you. This is Mr. and Mrs. Collier. When you get all better, they are going to…" I realize that I'm still not totally OK with all this, because I feel my breath hitch in my chest and can't get the words out. "Um, they'll be helping to take care of you." Christian looks at Helen and she smiles at him widely.

"Well, hello there Christian! My you are just a tiny little thing, aren't you! You're like a little baby bird. Well. I love to cook and we eat heartily at our house, so we should get some meat on those bones pretty quickly." Christian looks at her without any expression. He watches as she walks over to the chair and sits down next to his bed. "Oh, I see you've got some books here. We like to read books at our house too. I read to all the kids every night. Even the older ones." She looks up to address me now. "Most of the older ones never got read to as small children. It helps all of them in school and it's sort of become a family time. Everyone looks forward to it, don't they Ben?"

Mr. Collier gives another 'You betcha.' But then I get to see what a kind hearted man he is when he addresses Christian directly. "I know you're not real comfortable with men, Christian. So just know, it's OK. We want you to feel comfortable in our home. I'm not a man prone to getting angry. I don't really talk loudly. And if I'm being honest with you, I'm the softy. It's Mrs. Collier here you need to look out for!" I see him give a wink at Christian who reacts with a quizzical look of surprise. I feel myself let out a breath of relief, then have to stifle a smile when I hear Ben continue, "But I do expect you to be respectful and kind with everyone in our house." He and Carrick will get along well. "We sit down to dinner together every evening, we say grace before we eat…" Christian looks quickly at me with a small smile when he hears the word 'grace,' then looks back at Ben. "…and we will expect all the other kids to be kind and respectful to you, too." He then turns to quietly address me directly. "Doctor, you said he doesn't like to be touched? Is that everywhere, or just…? I mean, the paperwork didn't mention him being a victim of…"

It's at that moment that I realize these people are experts in their field. I may hold the medical degree, and maybe they don't hold any kind of degree at all, I don't know. However, they sure are asking exactly what they need to, to best care for Christian. I couldn't ask for better people to look after my son until I can do that myself! "No, Mr. Collier. At least we don't think so at this time. Arms, back, chest… No signs of…" He nods in understanding. "But something may still come out in the psychological evaluation. We're trying to narrow down exactly what kind of touch is OK and what's not. If he touches us, he seems OK. If we try to touch him, there's a problem. Sometimes a big problem. But apparently the nurses can wash his face and I can touch his head. We just haven't figured out the whole puzzle yet."

I stand off to the side while Helen and Ben engage in more one-sided conversation with Christian. He is looking more relaxed with them. However, he has grabbed his blanket and it almost seems to be a shield he's holding between himself and them. He's still not sure about Ben, but that will take time. I see him pull back a couple times when Helen reaches near him. I notice Ben keeps a distance. They talk about the other kids at their house; their ages and interests. There's another boy not too much older than Christian who likes baseball and reading, and a few pre-teens that will love to play with him since they love cars and airplanes too.

While it pains me to do it, I feel it's best to let them have some private time with Christian. He will soon be living with them, for a few months at least. They need some time together. "If you'll excuse me, I do need to get back to work. There are a few other children waiting to see Dr. Grace." I turn to Christian. "I'll be back, Darling. Carrick is bringing Elliot, and they will be here soon to see you." I gently touch his head. I feel him tense up, but not pull away from me. Then I excuse myself from the room.

It's almost an hour before I see the Colliers leaving Christian's room. I walk over to say good-bye for the day. I'm sure I'll be seeing them again soon. "Mr. and Mrs. Collier, thank you for coming by to meet him. I apologize if I was at all abrupt earlier. It's just…"

Ben puts me at ease. "Please, call us Helen and Ben, Doctor. It's perfectly alright. I can see why you were a little more protective of that boy. It doesn't seem anyone else did that job before you. We'll be back in a couple days. We can't make it tomorrow, it's 'Bring a Parent to School Day' and we've got four classrooms to sit in on." He puts his arm around Helen's waist. "We need to get going, hon. The kids will be getting off the bus in about a half and hour."

Helen smiles at him and gently asks "Can you go get the car, Ben? I'll be right down, Just want to cover a few things with the Doctor here a minute." Why am I nervous all of a sudden? Ben nods and heads toward the elevator. Helen looks back to me with tears in her eyes. "It's you, isn't it? You and your husband? You're the couple who are planning to adopt if no other family is found?" I'm shocked that she knows, but the sympathetic look on her face gives me permission to let my guard down.

I nod silently. We just look at each other for a moment. I feel tears well up in my own eyes and can't seem to speak above a whisper. "How did you know? We haven't even signed the papers yet."

"I got an inkling when you were a bit over protective of a patient. Then you referred to yourself as Doctor Grace. I noticed Christian smiled at you when Ben mentioned saying grace before dinner. Then, of course, you referred to him as 'Darling.' Not typical for a doctor-patient relationship. I've spent a good deal of time with a lot of children. I've learned to read the signs when there's a connection, good or bad. Yours is good. Very good." I smile at her wiping the tears with the back of my hand. "The two coming by later that you mentioned? Your husband and your son? Am I right? "

I am in awe at this wonderful woman. "Yes. My son Elliot. How did you…?"

"That boy in there has no other family that we know of yet. Who else would be coming by to say hello?" She smiles at me and gently touches my arm in a gesture of understanding. "Once you get those papers filed, we can discuss visits for you and your family. There are certain rules and guidelines we have to work with, but I think it will help him through all this too." I nod silently. I don't trust myself to speak right now. I watch as she walks to the elevator. I see her enter and push a button to go down. I may be the one dressed in white, but the angel is waving to me as the elevator doors close.


	11. Chapter 11

How It Happened

Chapter 11

As I lay in bed I hear my husband brushing his teeth and I have to smile. I am so glad Carrick suggested the half-day idea. I've been able to attend to my other patients and still have time to spend with Christian. We've had lunch and dinner together several times now and he's getting much better with table ware. We are still seeing unexpected shifts in emotional state. They can happen so fast, without anything preceding them, and that makes them very hard to predict. So, that being said and the fact that he's only four we're waiting a while on the proper use of a knife.

Elliot and Carrick have been in to visit a few times now. Elliot is so good with him, so excited yet patient and always eager to include Christian in whatever game he's made up at that moment. The two of them are coming tomorrow to visit again. Last time the boys did very well racing the cars and rolling them around. Christian was less excited to share the 'flying' toys, but Elliot handled it very well with a simple plan, telling him, "How about you use the hel'copter and I'll use the airplane?" Which went over just fine as Christian seems to favor the helicopter anyway.

Christian seems to be enjoying having someone to play with. He seems to be learning a lot about imaginative play and taking turns from Elliot. We haven't gotten any verbal response yet and really don't get very much emotional response either but every now and then a small bit of happiness emerges. Carrick noticed him look up at Elliot with a little smile once. And during one visit, he even walked over to me to show me the new car Elliot had brought from home.

There have been a couple of times we've had to intervene when Christian has gotten upset or frustrated. He's very quick to hit, not having any other way to express frustration. It's a challenge for Elliot because it is so different from his natural inclinations and from how he's been raised. I noticed a slightly frightened look on Elliot's face last time Christian hit him. It was another unexpected anger outburst and not knowing what caused it or how to react to him, Elliot walked over to me and asked "Can we be done playing for now?"

I'm trying not to make too much out of it. I guess any two brothers would need parental mediation from time to time. I know my brothers did. But all of this is actually very encouraging as Dr. Evens has told me that just a few days of interaction with others has made up for some lost time in Christian's development and his experiences with Elliot are helping him adjust quicker than expected. And I'm sure there will be more issues, and we'll be very busy teaching the boys how to handle their frustration with each other once Christian's adoption is complete.

We haven't told Elliot about our intention to adopt Christian. He still thinks he's just another patient who needs a friend. He's never mentioned it even though we've never involved him in my patients' cases before. We're just too afraid to tell him right now in case a family member is found and it doesn't happen.

That possibility nearly stops my heart every time it pops into my head. The thought that Christian may not… I mean, if they do find family, how much would they really know about him? If his mother was so strung out as to kill herself with drug use, did her family even know she had a child? Once they find out, will they want to take him in as a way to have some connection to their daughter or sister? And that would mean another transition into a home where he knows no one. And if they don't want him, will he know? What kind of effect would that level of rejection have on such a young child? He's already dealing with the loss of his only parent, and then to find out there is family and they don't want you… But then we'd get him, and it all just works me up into a nervous frenzy every time.

I need to take a deep breath.

We have discussed the possibility of our adopting Christian with just about everyone else, though. Both of my brothers are excited to get a new nephew. Our friends in the neighborhood and through church have been wishing us good thoughts and saying prayers. My parents are so excited for us and that Elliot will have a sibling closer to his own age. It was my mother who noted that if we had gotten an infant, the age difference would have been an issue, which is true. I love my parents for all their support of our choice to adopt. They love Elliot just as much as my brothers' kids and they can't wait to meet Christian.

As Carrick climbs into bed, I can't help but smile. "What's that for?" he asks suspiciously.

"Does it have to be 'for' anything? Can't I just smile at my husband?"

He reaches over and tucks a stray strand of hair behind my ear. "Of course you can. It's just that I haven't seen a real Gracie smile like that for several days. Well, since before Christian was brought in… Are you thinking about him again? You know I worry about how much you worry…"

I have to cut him off before he's the one getting worked up! "No, I'm not actually." He gives me a knowing look. "Well, OK yes, but not just him. I was just thinking about all of this. Him, Elliot, you, me, us… Things are going well. I'm just… happy."

"I'm happy you're happy, Baby. Can I make you even happier?" He whispers into my ear as he leans over to kiss me. I reach around his neck returning his passionate kiss, thinking quickly that it's been a long time since we've been able to …

"Mom!? Mom! Can you c'mere a minute?!" I hear Elliot's not-so-subtle voice from down the hall. I let out a deep sigh at the same moment Carry lets out a deep groan.

"Just give me a minute. He knows he should be asleep by now. I'll just see what he needs and if it's not life or death related, I'll play the 'mean mom' card." I smile at Carrick and give him a quick kiss. I grab my robe and head down the hall to Elliot's room.

My curly haired son is sitting up with his bedside light on and a serious expression. Which is really rather comical when you know his personality and add in the fact that he's wearing pajamas with cartoon bulldozers and steam engines on them. We don't see this look very often and usually when we do it's because some serious infraction has gone down with where or how his Godzilla or Legos have been handled and we're about to hear about it. Usually I can't keep a straight face.

I walk over and sit on his bed facing him. "What's wrong El? You know this light should be out and you should be asleep by now." I give him a stern look letting him know that I'm not in the mood for a lecture about either Godzilla or Legos.

"I have a question." He just continues to look at me, not even flinching at my reminder that he's in violation of a pretty serious household rule regarding bedtime.

"About what? And it better be important young man." I punctuate that comment with 'the look.'

"Where's Christian's parents?" I'm almost struck breathless from this innocent and totally unexpected question.

Not knowing exactly what to say I reply, "Why do you ask, Darling?"

"Well, I've been at the hospital a bunch now and there's always moms and dads there seeing their kids. Sometimes there's even grammas and grampas or brothers and sisters. But there never seems to be anybody but us seeing Christian." I am struck dumb at the depth of Elliot's observations. Still unsure of exactly how to respond, I take a deep breath and try to speak.

"Christian's parents? Well, um…" But Elliot doesn't seem to be listening to me.

" I wanna' meet them." _Meet them? What exactly is going on in my son's mind?_ I have to rein in my wide-eyed look of shock and try to find some response to his sweet and sincere concern.

"Elliot, you know I usually… Well, doctors don't mix their work with their families. That's why you've never been introduced to any other patients before…"

He interrupts with a puppy-dog look in his eyes. "Please Mom?"

"Why is this so important to you at this hour?" I'm hoping to redirect the conversation to his being awake too late, and get off a topic I feel deserves honesty, but I do not wish to discuss with him right now. Then he hits me with another completely unexpected thought that just about blows me away.

" 'Cause me and him are friends now, even if he is kinda' quiet. But we play good and we have fun. I know he gets mad and hits sometimes, and I don't really like that, but lots of kids do that. When he's done in the hospital I was hopin' we could maybe play again." I must be giving an expression that he doesn't quite understand because he continues in explanation. "I mean, I know he's littler than me, but that's OK. Sometimes at recess the third graders play with us first graders and it's OK. So, can I? Please, Mom?"

I reach over and give my wonderfully adorable son a big hug and kiss his curly blonde head. I want to tell him he is amazing, and how proud of him I am, but that would only lead to more questions I'm not ready to answer. "I'll tell you what." I look into his bright hopeful eyes and add "I cannot promise you anything about Christian's parents right now. But I can promise you, your father and I will do whatever we can to make sure you and Christian get lots of chances to play together when he's discharged. Is that fair?"

"What's 'discharged' mean? It sounds bad, but you sound good."

I have to chuckle. "It means when he's 'done in the hospital.'"

"Oh! Cool!" Elliot smiles broadly and reaches up to hug me. "Thanks, Mom."

"You're very welcome, Elliot. And thank you, Darling."

He pulls back a bit. "What for?"

"For being such a good friend to Christian. And such a wonderful son. We love you, you know that, right?"

"Yeah, I know. You've told me like a million times!" He rolls his eyes to emphasize the extreme.

"Well, consider this a million and one. Now you get to sleep young man." I tuck him in and kiss his cheek. Then I turn out his light and head back down the hall.

Carry has turned off the light and is already lying in bed. I start to climb in softly so I don't disturb him. I only make it to a seated position as Carrick lets me know he's not quite asleep yet. "What was the emergency?"

"Elliot wanted to know about Christian's parents. He wants to meet them."

Carry abruptly sits up and I can hear the concern in his voice. "What did you say? Did you tell him the truth? I don't think at his age he really needs to know about…"

"Relax…" I hold up my hand and can feel my poor husband's heart is about to burst through his chest. "He wants to be able to play with him after he leaves the hospital. I told him we'd do whatever we could to make that happen."

"Oh." Carry runs his hands through his hair; a gesture he uses when he's on the edge and needs to calm himself down a bit. "So you _were_ honest, but didn't give anything away?" Through the moonlight coming in the window Carry can see me nod. "You're a brilliant woman, you know that?" Carrick reaches his arm around me to pull me closer to him and down onto the pillow. "And I would really like to show you just how brilliant I think you are, woman."

"Woman? That's 'Doctor' woman to you, Mister." I have to laugh.

"Yeah, well… 'Doctor Woman?" Carrick slides over to lean over me. "I seem to have some swelling that needs your professional expertise."

"Carry!" I feign shock, but return his amorous comment with a deep kiss.


	12. Chapter 12

How It Happened

Chapter 12

I feel like a giant weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I can breathe and I realize I am actually taking in all the sights and sounds of the world; the leaves changing colors, the smell of autumn in the wind… With everything that's been occupying me at the hospital; I must have shut all this out over the last several days.

Carrick and I signed the adoption papers today. Jackson was right, we're first in line. The clerk even had to make a call to someone to get the rest of the information on the case. He didn't know anything about it yet, other than where Christian will be placed within the foster care system. I'm looking out the window as we drive back to the hospital, taking in the beauty of early autumn in Michigan. The trees are getting a little orange and red, and I can't help it. I can't seem to stop the silly grin on my face!

Carry reaches over and takes my hand and lifts it to his lips for a gentle kiss. I feel like there is nothing in the world that can ruin this moment. Then my pager goes off. "Oh shoot! Carry! Can you pull over please? I need to call the hospital." I'm overtaken with panic. What if Christian…? I don't know what, but I'm fearing the worst. Suddenly, I feel guilty for not being there all morning. I hate trying to use the car phone for medical business because of the noise, but I can't wait for a land line. Someday I hope they make a phone you can just keep in your purse. That would make things so much easier!

Carry pulls to the shoulder of the road so I can have it a little quieter while I call. My hands are shaking while I press the buttons to dial. "This is Dr. Trevelyan. Is there an issue with Chris… Oh… Of course…" My heart seems to relax a bit when I find out it's nothing to do with Christian, but I'm reminded that my profession does not allow me to think only of one patient. "Yes… I was off duty for a while this morning, but I'm on my way in right now… Vitals?... Right. Did you get an X-ray?... Well start the IV. I should be there is less than twenty… Ok. Thank you." So the world continues to spin and there is another child who needs Dr. Grace. Carrick heads back onto the road to take me to work.

I was surprised when he parked in the staff parking, rather than just letting me off at the entrance. I give him a quizzical look. "What?" he asks me in an almost offended tone. "Can't I just visit with him for a while?" I start to explain that being my husband does not give him rights to my patients. "No, but being as we're planning to adopt him, don't I get some rights to visit with him?" I suddenly realize he means Christian. I'm a little surprised by this actually, and I guess my expression conveys this.

Carrick looks directly at me and says something that hits me like a tidal wave. "Maybe I haven't had as much time with him as you have, and maybe I wasn't the one who tended to his injuries when he first came in, but I wouldn't have agreed to adopt him purely because you were ready to rip your heart out over him. Christian is not all yours, Gracie. He's going to be mine, too. He's going to be 'ours.' Not just because you fell for him. I did too. I love that little boy."

It's strange how even as adults, we tend to forget that other people have their own eyes and hearts to see and feel…. It's not that I didn't know Carrick cared about Christian, but this proverbial kick in the pants has allowed me to truly understand how _much_ he cares for him. He's not just doing this for me; he really, truly wants him too.

My eyes begin to water and I have to blink back the tears. Emotions begin to just pour over me right now… _Love_- How much I love Carrick, our family, Elliot & Christian… _Fear_- that I've somehow offended and hurt my husband, for how this is all going to affect Elliot, anything and _everything_ having to do with Christian. It just scares the hell out of me… My husband's voice pulls me back to the moment. "So, can you give me a rational reason why I shouldn't go in there to see the child who is, most likely, going to be my son?"

I answer silently with a shake of my head, then give him another genuine 'Gracie' smile to match the one he got last night. "Of course. I think that's a wonderful idea." I place my hand on his cheek and give him a gentle kiss. "I'm so sorry, Carrick." The look in his eyes tells me all is forgiven.

We both get out of the car and head toward the elevators. As we ride to the pediatric floor together, I reach over to take his hand. "You know I love you, right? And not just for your good looks and lawyer salary."

He chuckles at my little joke and adds "Come on Baby, you know how hard my mother was badgering me to find myself a rich doctor." He kisses my knuckles, then lets go to put his arm around me. I feel him pull me close and kiss my temple.

Carrick stayed with Christian for about thirty minutes. He read him another story and I saw him writing something with him. He's probably never held a writing implement in his life before. He is only four. Writing isn't something most four year olds excel at anyway. But it was a great way for them to bond.

Carry told me he still looks at him with a very unsure expression, and that his blanket is never very far away. However, he does seem to be less afraid. We can't expect to undo the last few years in just a few days. He's coming back later with Elliot so we can all have dinner together.

The day goes surprisingly quickly. Before I know it, I'm standing at the nurses' station and see Carrick and Elliot coming off the elevator. Those bouncy blond curls run up to me for a big hug. I love that feeling! That deep love from my son to me and right back again! I wish I could have it with Christian. We're still not exactly sure what the touch boundaries are. Dr. Evans told me his fear may be a form of PTSD, and that with therapy and time, it may wane or dissipate all together. I sure hope so. How hard would that be? To mother a child you love so deeply but never be able to hug him? It makes me tear up again.

Carry sees my eyes turning watery and kisses me gently on the head. "We'll see you when your shift is over. I have dinner being delivered for the three of us in an hour. Will that be about right?" My husband is so thoughtful. I assure him we can have Christian's dinner served when ours arrives. I just need to call the kitchen and arrange it.

Carrick and Elliot have been in with Christian for about forty five minutes. I'm officially off duty now and am walking to Christian's room when I see the Colliers, I mean Ben and Helen, exiting off the elevator. I've grown to have so much respect for this couple, although right now I'm a bit saddened. I was hoping for a family dinner, just the four of us. But I greet them happily anyway.

"Ben! Helen! I wasn't expecting you until tomorrow afternoon. I just got off duty and was about to join Carrick and Elliot in Christian's room…"

"Oh, we don't want to intrude," Helen says with a look that tells me she feels bad for interrupting our plans. Looking to Ben she adds "We just had a couple free hours while the other kids are at a church youth function and thought…"

"No, please," I find myself saying as I now feel badly that they've come all this way. "Join us. We can all visit for a while." I hold out my hand for the Colliers to proceed me into the room. Elliot and Christian are sitting on the bed and I hear Elliot giving Christian a lesson in auto mechanics.

"See? Theses ones have a hood that lifts up so you can see the engine. The bigger cars have bigger engines. That makes them go faster. I have some cars at home that even have batteries and they go all by themselves!" Christian seems to be taking in all this amazing information, and looking at Elliot as if he's speaking another language, all at the same time. But then I see him lift the hood on one small car and visually compare it to the one Elliot is holding. I'd love him to tell me what's going on inside his mind, but it is evident there is a lot of learning happening in a relatively short period of time.

As we enter, the boys look up and see me with the Colliers. Christian looks at them with those wide gray eyes. He's seen them once before but is understandably, still unsure about them. Elliot has never met them, but wastes no time in expanding his friendship circle. He jumps off the bed to introduce himself. "Hi! I'm Elliot Grey. She's my mom," he says as he gestures to me, "and my dad is that guy over in the chair." Carrick gets a thumb jerked in his direction. "We're here 'cause he's one of my mom's patients and now him and me are friends." He finishes his explanation with another gesture toward Christian.

I have to smile at him as I find myself thinking 'Well, I guess that about sums it up.' Then I feel a sense of nervous panic as I hear him innocently ask, "Are you Christian's mom and dad? I've been wondering about you. Where ya' been?" His look is so sincere.

Helen looks at me and she can see the look on my face. I try to silently tell her I didn't say anything about them to Elliot and he doesn't know the truth, but that's a bit much to put in a facial expression. Ben doesn't miss a beat and jumps in like the pro he is.

"No son," he begins very sweetly. "We're not his folks. But he is going to come live at our house for a while when he gets better."

Helen reaches out a hand to Elliot and he shakes it. "It's very nice to meet you Elliot. We are Mr. and Mrs. Collier. Thank you for being such a great friend to Christian. I know the hospital can be scary for young people. I'm sure he's enjoyed having you here."

"Well, yeah. I'm kinda' a expert on helping at the hospital now. I've been here like, ten times and me and Christian like to play cars and stuff. Tonight, I'm helping him learn about engines. There's a lot to teach him but we're getting it covered." I see Ben cover his mouth to stifle a laugh. How Helen is keeping it in I'm not sure because I can barely hold it in myself and he's my child! And where did he come up with that?

"Well," Helen continues, totally straight faced, "again, thank you for being so caring and helpful."

I'm just glad we're off the parent topic. I let out a deep breath and smile, until I see the expression on Elliot's face. He's confused and looks at me. "So where are his Mom and Dad?! I've got some things I need to discuss."

Carrick quickly intervenes before this gets into an uncomfortable situation. "Elliot! Our dinner is being delivered soon. I need _you_ to help me carry it up. Let's head down to the lobby and wait for the delivery boy, OK?"

"Oh! Yeah! I'm getting hungry. What're we having?!" Oh thank goodness. Crisis averted. As they leave the room, I hear Carry tell him he ordered from somewhere in Mexican Village. I can't make out the rest until I hear a very exuberant "Tacos! Awesome!" from down the hall.

Helen and Ben sit on the end of Christian's bed. I feel I should let them have time with him, but I start feeling protective and territorial again. I'm not on duty right now and this is my time. "Christian?" I start, "Can you tell us what Elliot was teaching you about the engines?" I sit in the chair vacated by my husband and hold out some cars. I know he's not going to 'tell' us anything, but I hope the more I ask and expect it, eventually it will come.

Christian takes one in each hand. He wants to roll them on the bed but it's not working for him very well. "Would you like to get down and show us on the floor?" Is it wrong of me to want his attention on me and not the Colliers? Am I doing the right thing here? I get a nod from Christian, and Helen adjusts the IV tubes to make it easier for him to get down. Again I feel protective and anxious that I'm not… That she's… _Am I a terrible person?_

Christian kneels down and places the two cars on the floor. He looks up at me expectantly. I sigh deeply and now have a big smile on my face because my little boy wants _me_ to count. "OK, ready? One… two…three!" We watch as he lets the cars race across the floor. I'm almost jumping up and down over this, knowing what it took to get him to this point. Helen and Ben both cheer him on for such a great race. But Christian looks confused and unsure.

Bob jumps in. "What's wrong Christian? That was a great race." But evidently, not to Christian. He is sitting back on his heels looking over the results of the race; at the blue car, the green car, back and forth… with a look that tells us something is terribly wrong. The wheels are definitely turning in his head, but about what?

His IV lines will only allow him to reach the closer car. Bob walks over and collects the other. He hands it back to Christian who just stares at them. He looks up at me and those gray eyes… that scared look on his face…. I don't know why. I don't know what he's thinking or how to help this.

I'm trying to keep a positive expression. "Darling? Why don't you race them again?" but inside I'm worried that I can't help my little boy. What could he possibly be scared about right now? Helen looks at me with an understanding glance. She's out of her league here too. We watch as Christian puts one of the cars back on the floor and is closely examining the other. Then he switches. I still have no idea what he's thinking and I don't know what to say. Helen seems to be in my boat as well. Then we both look over anxiously, when we hear Ben let out a whispered 'Oh.'

"Let me see there, Buddy." He holds out his hands to Christian. I can see he's unsure about letting Ben have the cars, but Ben continues to smile gently, and slowly the cars are placed in his hands. "So the blue one went faster than the green one? And you're a bit confused about that because," Ben looks over at the two of us. "… The green one has a bigger engine? That right?" He smiles at Christian who nods his unruly copper head. "And Elliot just taught you…"

"…That bigger engines make cars go faster." I smile when I finish Ben's observation. Now I get it. I simultaneously feel relief and fear. I'm relieved that we found the reason he was so upset, and it wasn't anything really. But then, afraid and concerned, given how much we went through emotionally, for something so simple. How quickly this whole thing would have been resolved if he could have just said… For the first time, I begin to feel what it will truly be like to raise this child. Will every situation be this much of a hurdle?

"Dinner is served!" Carrick calls out as he and Elliot re-enter the room. It quickly fills with the scent of Mexican spices. Carry sets the food on the tray. Elliot carries the smaller bag of nacho chips over to Christian's bed like a man on a serious mission. I watch as Christian moves slowly toward Elliot. He pulls gently on El's sweatshirt. When he turns around, Christian is holding the two cars out to give them back and his head is hanging so we can't see his face. He is still upset.

"Oh thanks!" Elliot takes the cars, but then reacts to Christian's behavior. "What?" Christina points to the green car. "Is it broken again?! This dumb wheel. It just doesn't roll right. It's OK." I feel a rush of love spread through me. The way they are together is precious! Elliot moves to wrap his arm around Christian's shoulders and give him a hug. Oh no… I know what's about to happen but it's happening too fast for me to stop it.

Christian flinches and jumps back. I hear him let out a deep, worried groan and see him bump into Helen's legs. At this, his arms start shaking and flapping and the groaning gets louder and more urgent. Elliot hurries over to Carrick with wide, scared eyes, and holds him around the waist for protection. Ben, in a moment of clarity, steps out of the way.

I move in as the only person who has any idea how to deescalate this situation. I try to look into his eyes to get his attention but he seems to have gone back into his dark, frightening place. "Darling? Sweetheart, listen to me…" But now Helen has moved in to help. She places her fingers near Christian's hands and lets him grab a hold of them. I can tell he is squeezing them as desperately as he's done to mine before.

She sits down on the floor and he sits down in front of her facing me. He hasn't looked at her and Helen hasn't said anything to him yet. I continue to speak, trying to get him out of his dark place and back to the room where it's safe and people love him. He's rocking and continuing to squeeze Helen's fingers. She starts singing softly in his ear while I try to bring him back. "Christian?... Shhhhhh… I'm right here, Darling. It's OK… Carry! Blanket! Please!" Carry hands me the blanket and I place it in Christian's lap. He lets go of Helen with one hand to bring the blanket up and hide his face.

After a few moments, his rocking slows and he lifts his head to me. He's still got Helen's fingers in a death grip but he seems to be back with us. I realize how close to tears I came when I smile and everything blurs up in front of me. "Hey, Little Man. Welcome back." He lets go of Helen to grab the blanket with both hands, but this time does not feel the need to hide his face from us. He's looking right at me with a nervous expression, then turns around to look at Helen. He looks over at Ben, then Carrick and Elliot. His expression doesn't change but he gets up and climbs back up on the bed.

The Colliers insist we eat our dinners and not worry about them. We offer to share, but they kindly refuse. We talk and enjoy each other's company. I notice that Elliot is exceptionally quiet. I think he is in a bit of a shock having witnessed Christian's reaction to touch. Secretly, I'm glad both Helen and Ben were able to see that. Hopefully they will be prepared and know at least a little of how to handle it themselves. I've said it before, but it can't be said enough; those two people are such professionals in their field. The way Ben was able to read Christian's concerns about the cars, the way Helen stayed out of his line of sight and sang to him…

The Colliers are getting ready to leave when a nurse comes in the room. "Excuse me, Dr. Trevelyan. I know you're off duty but I thought you'd want to know… Well, be in on…" She's obviously trying to tell me something without sharing it with the whole room. I excuse myself and follow her out to the hall.

"What is it?" She silently gestures over her shoulder and I look up to see Jackson Price talking with the head of our department. I feel my heart sink and suddenly feel faint. What's he doing here? At that moment, Helen and Ben come out of Christian's room. Jackson turns and sees us all together.

"Mr. and Mrs. Collier? What a surprise. I wasn't expecting to find you here. That's a stroke of luck! Grace!" He turns to me now. I'm so afraid of what I'm about to hear. "I was just speaking with Dr. Turner. We've reviewed Christian's chart and it seems he should be discharged tomorrow morning! Mr. and Mrs. Collier, there will probably be a phone call coming to you from the county later this evening once the paperwork clears, but since you're already here, now you know!" He seems so happy and excited. I feel like I want to smack him across the face!

"Dr. Turner is not his primary physician. I am. I didn't…"

"He's the doctor on duty right now. We looked over Christian's progress; the bruises are healing properly, the burns are too. He's put on enough weight for now and I'm sure the Colliers can attend to his injuries while the healing progresses. And word has it, Mrs. Collier's cooking is legendary. It will take care of the rest pretty quickly."

Can this really be happening? "But the psychological evaluation isn't finished yet. You know that. You've been in on all the sessions. Dr. Evens…"

"Dr. Evens will be continuing the psychological evaluation, and probably acting as his therapeutic counselor, while he's with the Colliers." He looks over to Helen and Ben. "He's going to need continued care. The state will cover… well, this isn't new to you two." Jackson looks back at me and seems to finally read the expression on my face. "Grace, you knew this was coming. I have to advocate for what is best for the child. You've done an amazing job with him, but if he doesn't need medical attention anymore, he shouldn't be in a hospital. He should be in a home setting. You've already signed the adoption papers, so you can set up visitation time with the Colliers here. It has to happen, Grace. It's time."

Helen wraps her arms around me but I can't feel anything. She whispers in my ear, "Grace? We know how much you and Carrick love him. We'll take good care of him, I promise." At that, I lose it. I feel myself collapse. Ben helps me to a bench and I sob openly. Somehow Carrick is there, kneeling in front of me kissing my head and telling me it's going to be OK.

"Jackson came in and told me, Baby. It's OK, We'll visit with him, and pray every day that he gets to come home to us." I look at Carry and he's crying too. I wrap my arm around him for dear life. I hear him ask, "What time tomorrow? I want to be sure we're both here."

"How about nine, or nine thirty tomorrow morning? Will that work for you, Mrs. Collier? Give you time to get the other kids off to school and get down here? I know Ben will be at work." I hear Jackson's voice. It is much more subdued than at first... I hear Helen agree that nine thirty will be fine…. I can hear them, but I can't speak. I just feel cold and weak.


	13. Chapter 13

**How It Happened **

**Chapter 13**

_Carrick_

Jackson came into the room and whispered to me. When he told me the whole situation, I think I actually felt my heart stop beating and I suddenly couldn't breathe. I immediately looked over at Christian and felt the tears building up in my eyes. When I looked over at Elliot, I saw he was worried. I'm sure my feelings were more than evident on my face. Too afraid to speak in front of the boys, I went out to the hall to comfort Grace. She was a mess; sobbing and trembling. Ben and Helen were there and neither of them looked happy about any of this either.

It was decided that Helen would come at nine the next morning. I know Grace will refuse to go home tonight. I don't want to go either, but by hospital regulation, Elliot can't stay overnight. How do we explain all of this to him? Looking at Gracie's tearful face, there is no way we will be able to hide this from him. After a few moments, I decide to bite the bullet and just tell both of the boys the truth.

"Grace? I'm going back in the room. I'm going to tell the boys what's going on. I'll be gentle, OK? You take all the time you need to pull yourself together. Tonight…"

"I'm not leaving, Carry!" She's totally beside herself. "I'm not going to be at home when Christian…"

"I know, Baby. I fully expect you to stay tonight. I wish I could too, but I'll take Elliot home with me. Take your time. It will be OK." I gently push the hair out of her face and tuck a tendril behind her ear. Then I give her a soft kiss on the forehead.

Helen moves to sit closer to Grace and gives me a nod. I know she'll stay with her a while so I can talk to the boys. I stand up and take a few cleansing breaths. I have to look less distraught when I go back in there. Elliot is already a bit shaken from before and I have no idea what Christian is thinking. As I open the door, my heart about melts. Elliot is lying back on the bed next to Christian. He is being careful not to touch, but I hear Elliot's whispered voice saying something about talking to Mom and Dad.

"What about Mom and Dad, Bud?" I ask as I move to sit on the end of the bed myself. Elliot flashes a look of fear at being caught telling secrets. Christian's expression hasn't changed at all. "It's alright. I need to talk to the two of you, as well." I motion for Elliot to sit on my lap. I look at his face, and back at Christian's_. How do I do this?_

"Where's Mom?" I can hear the concern in his voice and see he is still a bit shaken. This has to be frightening for someone his age. "She left and those other people left, then that man came and you left. Daddy, I'm not scared, 'cause I'm not a baby, but… Christian's a little worried." He looks over to Christian who manages to give an expression indicating his displeasure at that comment.

"I'm just going to tell you two like it is, OK? If anything gets too complicated or too grown up and you don't understand, you can tell me and I will try to explain it better, but it's not a very easy situation." I get a nod from Elliot and Christian is back to his stoic expression. "El? You asked Mommy the other day about Christian's parents; well, he doesn't have any Buddy." I look quickly at Christian to see if he's doing OK with this. No change. "He doesn't have a daddy and his mommy recently passed away. That's part of the reason he's here at the hospital." This gets a muffled grunt from Christian and Elliot's face shows shock and fear. "Are you doing OK, El?" He nods. "Are you doing OK Christian?" He stares with those gray eyes, and I can see sadness even though he's trying not to show his feelings. This has got to be so hard for him to hear. Hopefully, the rest of what I'm saying will make things better.

"Mr. and Mrs. Collier are going to take Christian to live at their house while…"

"No!" Elliot vehemently cuts me off.

"Elliot, let me finish..."

"No! I have a better idea. Christian can stay with us at our house. He could sleep in the other room and Mom could …"

"Elliot stop." He looks into my eyes with the most frightened look I've ever seen from him. Although he obeys, I can tell he is really afraid of what I'm going to say next, so I try to focus on the positives. "I know you and Christian are friends. Mom and I are very happy about that, but right now I am talking and you are listening. No more interruptions, please." I get another blond curly nod, but he is so worried. "Mr. and Mrs. Collier are going to take care of Christian while the police and Mr. Price try to find some other family for him to live with."

"You mean like Gramma and Grampa? They take care of me sometimes." Elliot quickly looks over at Christian. "Is your Gramma gonna' take care'a you?" Christian finally changes expression, but to one of confusion. I secretly hope that means he doesn't understand what 'grammas' are. That would move a stone out of our path to getting custody.

"Well, yes like that. But Christian has to live with the Colliers, and not us, while they look. But here's the best part. We will be able to visit with him and you will get to play together and hopefully…" I this time I cut myself off. I can't mention the adoption yet. I don't want to get any hopes up too high that I'll have to crush later, like my own. "Hopefully, if they do find Christian's family, that can continue. Do you understand?"

I get a nod from Elliot. He wraps his arms around my neck and I can feel how unsure he is of what's really happening. He can tell there's more to this but is afraid to ask. Right now, I'm afraid to tell them anything more. When he sits back I look over at Christian. His expression is hard to define. It's somewhere between fear and confusion. It's so full of emotions and probably millions of questions he can't verbalize.

Just then, Helen and Ben come back into the room. Helen is a bit emotional so Ben takes the reins. "Carrick, we thought it would be best to take a few more minutes with Christian, seeing as he's coming home with us a bit earlier than expected. Would that be OK?" I nod and lead Elliot out of the room. I can hear the Colliers talking about how long the car ride will be. I didn't realize they lived forty-five minutes away from here, in the opposite direction. We chose a house within 10 miles of the hospital so Gracie could get here quickly when needed. Meeting for visits will take some planning, but I know Grace will make sure it happens as often as possible.

Once out in the hall, Elliot sees his mother and moves closer to my side. He's never seen her like this before. I bend down to whisper in his ear, "Mommy's just sad tonight because of Christian leaving tomorrow. I bet she'd feel a lot better if you gave her a hug and a kiss." Elliot seems pretty unsure of this, but slowly walks over to Grace and gives her a gentle hug. I see a new set of tears on Grace's cheeks. I sit next to her and lay her head on my shoulder. "It's all going to be OK. We'll get through this. He'll be alright."

Grace can't speak and Elliot is too afraid to. I can't think of the right words for this situation so we just sit together until Helen and Ben come out of Christian's room. "Grace? Carrick? We need to get going now," Ben tells us. "Helen will meet you here tomorrow around nine." He reaches out to shake my hand. "Then we'll all see each other real soon." Grace and Helen embrace again and then both Ben and Helen shake Elliot's hand as well. We watch as they walk to the elevator. I'm sure Grace is thinking that the next time we see them do that, it will be with Christian; heading away from us. I put my arm around her, and pull Elliot close as I feel my heart break.

I can feel my wife collapse again as she is overcome by a deep feeling of loss, and they haven't even taken him yet. What will it be like tomorrow? "Mom? Dad? Now that those people left, can we go back in with Christian?" I hear our little boy's quiet words bringing me back to reality. Our other little boy is alone and probably nervous and frightened…

"Yes, Elliot. We should all go back in there and be with Christian." Grace looks over at me and I wipe her eyes. I take a couple deep breaths and try to blink away my own tears.

_Grace_

Back inside the room I look over to Christian and I'm almost overcome with pain again. Somehow I manage and hold it together so I don't upset him. I know Carrick explained things to the boys, but I don't know how in depth, and we certainly don't know how much, if anything, Christian really understands. I mean, he's still dealing with the loss of his mother, and meeting some strangers who are telling you they are taking you home to some place you've never been, and now seeing all of us this upset… It has to be terrifying. Yet, he continues to look at us with the same expression. Almost as if he's trying not to feel anything. Maybe this is part of the mutism, his brain thinks it'll be easier this way.

I take a deep breath again and decide the best way to handle this situation is to make this last evening together fun and special. We let the boys continue to play, I go down the cafeteria and get ice cream… I mean a few more calories and some extra dairy can't hurt. They get it all over their faces but Christian seems to really enjoy the taste.

Carrick and I each read them a story, and the evening seems to fly by. Before I know it, a nurse is coming in to change the bandages. Oh no, Elliot! He's never seen this; never seen Christian's injuries… I have to get him out of here before he does. I move to take his hand but it's too late.

The nurse is already removing the gown. Christian begins to grunt and shake his head wildly. His arms are flailing to keep her away. He is making it perfectly clear he does not want her anywhere near him. In the process, he practically throws off the gown and Elliot sees Christian's injuries before I can stop it. I'm not sure I've ever seen my son so unsure and in shock; now twice in one day… First, Christian's reaction to his touch, now the burns and bruising and this physical and panicked reaction… He is obviously frightened as he quickly moves to his father's side like he did earlier. Carrick picks up Elliot and heads toward the door. My heart breaks as I hear him begin to cry and see him hide his face in Carrick's neck.

Inside the room, I tell the nurse to step aside and give us a minute. I move to sit with Christian and after a few moments, get him to calm down. I offer him my fingers like before. He looks up at my face with those scared gray eyes and I see the tears on his cheeks. I want to hold him and protect him from everything that's happening today, but I'm not even sure what he understands. And I know, both medically and motherly, that this all has to happen; these bandages need to be changed, he has to go home with the Colliers tomorrow...

Stifling my own tears, I put my hands out to him. It takes just about everything I have to get past the lump in my throat, "Go ahead, Darling. I'm right here." Christian looks over to the door, points and lets out a sad groan. I have no idea what he's trying to say… "Christian, look at me." He continues to stare at the door and cry. "Look at me, please." He turns toward me and looks down at my hands. "It will all be over quickly, I promise." For the first time, I see a look in his eyes that tells me he's not sure he can believe me. "I promise. It won't be for long."


	14. Chapter 14

_**How It Happened**_

Chapter 14

_Carrick_

I grab Elliot and get him out of Christian's room as fast as possible. I know he saw the bruises and bandages, not to mention the panicked reaction to the nurse's touch. He already had his own experience earlier today and I'm surprised he hasn't said anything about that. But now that he's seen everything, he's got a death grip around my neck and is sobbing like I haven't heard from him in a few years. I walk him over to the family lounge so we can sit on a couch and try to calm down. Truth be told, I'm about ready to break down myself.

"Elliot? Hey, Buddy. I need you to let go a little so we can talk. Please?" His grip gets tighter and the sobbing just gets louder. I need to give him a few minutes but he's also got one tight grip and I'm finding it difficult to take a breath. "Please El? Can you look at me? Christian needs you to be brave right now, OK?" No idea where _that_ came from, but it works. Elliot lets go a little but continues to cry into me. I give him a few moments to get it out.

"I'm sorry, Daddy… I didn't mean too!" What is he talking about? "I didn't mean it! I promise!" I push him back just a bit so I can look at him.

"Whoa there. What are you talking about, El? Sorry for what?" He's looking down to avoid my eyes, and wiping his own with the back of his hands.

"I just tried to give him a hug… I didn't mean to make…"

"Oh, Elliot… Buddy, no. You did nothing wrong." The tears continue down his cheeks but he's finally looking at me. His expression tells me he really wants me to be telling the truth about this. "Are you talking about Christian's injuries? His bruises?"

I get a silent, scared nod. "I didn't mean to, Dad…" He's shaking his head back and forth and I can see another batch of tears about to fall. I pull him in for a deep hug and kiss the top of his head.

"Elliot, you had nothing to do with that, OK? That is not your fault at all." We sit silently for a few moments and I try to figure a way to explain all this to him. "Christian had those bruises before you ever met him. That's another part of the reason he's here… Why Mommy had to help him." He leans back to look at me and wiping more tears from his eyes. We talk for a while longer. He asks me about the injuries and I try to be honest without getting too graphic. It amazes me that he was so quick to blame himself, but in his youthful innocence, he never puts together that maybe some adult did do that to Christian. I have to basically tell him straight out. "Elliot, we believe a mean man hurt him. But now, the injuries are getting better, he'll never have to see that man again, and he's learning a lot of things he didn't know before. You have been a big help in that area, by the way. He's going to live with the Colliers for a while and they will protect him. No one will hurt him like that again."

The look on his face assures me he believes what he's hearing and I let out a deep breath I didn't even realize I'd been holding in. "Can I tell you something, Dad? Promise you won't tell Mom?" He looks so sincere I find myself nodding to agree even though I'm not too sure about this. He lowers his voice. "I know I said I wasn't, but I really was."

"Was what, El?"

He leans in to whisper to me, "Scared. I didn't know what was going on, and Christian kind a' scared me. I didn't know he would do that."

Again I give him a deep hug. "Wanna' know something? He kind of scares us too, Buddy. Mom said she still doesn't know exactly what kind of touch will make him act like that, but it seems to be when people touch _him_. So maybe we need to give him some space and let _him_ touch _us_. Ya' think?" He nods to agree and I continue, "But I'm glad you told me. We need to know exactly how you are feeling about things. Mommy and I can't help if you don't' talk to us."

"So how are the Colliers gonna' know what Christian needs?" Damn. Just when I think things are smoothing out…

_Grace_

Carrick took Elliot out quite a while ago and hasn't been back yet. Christian has gestured toward the door several times now, but I have nothing to tell him. The nurse finished and I was able to read another book to him. Well, it was the counting book again. It warms my heart to see his expressions; the look of concentration and deep thinking, then the small smile when I read the solution. There's certainly a lot more going on inside his head than we know about, and according to the psychologist, seeing expressions means he isn't completely withdrawn. But how long will this mutism last? How long will he feel the need to protect himself from the world?

I look up to the clock and note that visiting hours will end in about ten minutes. Just then Carrick walks in with Elliot in tow. "Good timing, Darlings. I was afraid you wouldn't be back in time to say goodnight." Carrick comes over to me and leans in to kiss the top of my head. Elliot looks concerned and I'd say a bit frightened but walks to Christian's side.

"We just had to take some time to talk, huh El?" Elliot looks over to me and nods silently. Carrick leans down to whisper, "I'll tell you about it later. He was a bit shaken up, but he's OK now." He sits on Christian's bed and addresses him directly. "And you, Little Man… You do look so much better than just a few days ago. Do you feel better?" I'm surprised when Christian looks back with the frightened expression. This doesn't even faze my husband. "I need to take Elliot home now, but Dr. Grace is going to stay with you tonight. I'll be back in the morning when the Colliers get here." I noticed he didn't say 'we'll be back.' I'm not sure whether we should have Elliot here at that time or not.

I give my husband and my son big hugs and even kisses- if we're going to be a family, Christian needs to get used to it. We hear a soft whimper and out of the corner of my eye, I see him grab for his blanket. I try not to let it get to me as I watch Carrick take Elliot's hand to head out for the night. "Bye Christian. I'll see you when we can play again." Elliot waves and turns to leave. Then we see something very unexpected; Christian lifts his right hand slowly and gives Elliot a slight wave back. I look at Carry and we both smile.

Christian is asleep rather quickly. I don't know how long I just sit and watch him. He looks so peaceful and his breathing is calm and even. I know this won't last and we'll be in the throes of a nightmare before too long. But right now, I ponder the thought that such a beautiful child could have such horrific experiences in his short life. I fear what will happen tomorrow night when Helen and Ben experience the nightmares. Will he understand where he is? Why I'm not there? In reality, he hasn't had time to process why his mother isn't here anymore. Oh! That reminds me, the photograph.

I quietly open the drawer in the nightstand and remove the picture. He made it pretty clear he didn't want to look at it, but it should be his decision if he takes it with him. I put it with the small pile of his belongings… the outfit he arrived in, washed and much cleaner than it was, the three books he seemed to favor, his toys from home and the helicopter from Elliot's collection. I didn't ask about that last one, but I know my son. He'll want Christian to have it.

I'm pulled from my thoughts by the beginnings of the nightmare. I think about how much I love this child, with my whole heart…. A few hours later we are dealing with nightmare number two… Then again as the sun is rising… By now I know the drill; blanket, fingers, song… I would do this for him forever if it helps him sleep peacefully. As I see the sky lightening to pink, I feel my heart breaking and I realize this may be the last time…

I hear Christian moving in the bed and watch as he stretches and moves to sit up. I notice a grimace as the bruising and sores still make some movement uncomfortable- even painful. "Good morning, Christian. It's a big day isn't it?" He looks at me with his same stoic expression. Then he notices the pile on the nightstand and looks at it questioningly. "These are your things for you to take with you. Your toys, your clothes to wear… and the books you like." He looks over to me with a slightly pleasant look. But when he looks back at the pile, I see the darkness overtake him again. He's noticed the photograph. After a quick angry glace toward me, he leans over to the pile and knocks the photo off with his hand. He lays back and stares at the ceiling. Well, I guess that answers that question.

Breakfast is brought in; pancakes and scrambled eggs. I'm reminded of just a few days ago and witnessing him diving to eat anything he could grab. But today, thanks in part to Carrick's lessons on table manners, he lets me cut up the pancakes and manages to use a fork to awkwardly finish his breakfast, with very little mess.

Before I know it, it's eight o'clock. One hour… I feel my heart begin to race knowing our time together is slipping away and even though Helen and Ben assured us we could visit, what if we can't? What if a relative is found and they take him away from us? I feel the tears begin to well in my eyes. Taking a deep breath, I try to calm myself so Christian won't see. Just then, Carrick comes into the room with Elliot, who's carrying a large shopping bag.

"Good morning Christian!" I hear my husband's jovial voice. "Good morning, Sweetheart" he says to me as he leans in for a kiss. He gives me a strong hug assuring me he's here for me. I have to hug him back as I try hard not to let my tears ruin his jacket.

"Morning, Mom. Morning Christian. Dad said I could come to say 'bye when you go to the Colliers." Elliot puts the bag down and climbs up onto the bed. The boys look at each other silently for a minute. Then Elliot innocently and quietly asks "Can we play while we wait?"

"Of course, Sweetheart." I hold out the box of toys to him and he takes them carefully. Then I see him silently motion to Christian and the two of them slide off the bed and start to play. I turn toward my husband and have to ask, "Is this such a good idea? That Elliot be here today? I'm going to be a mess…"

"And that's OK, Baby. We talked last night. He's expecting you to be emotional." I give him a quizzical look. "I told him you would be, and that I might be too. But I didn't think he deserved to have to stay home and not say good bye just because we'll be upset." I love this man. He is so thoughtful, about everything.

We sit and watch the boys and are surprised when Jackson Price comes through the door at eight thirty. Carrick stands to shake his hand. "Jackson…"

"Carrick… I know this is…" Jackson looks like this is part of the job he dislikes. "I have to do what's best for the child."

I stand to greet him as well. We've known him for quite some time now, but I haven't been the nicest person to him lately. "We know you're doing what you have to, Jackson. Thank you for your support in the, um…." I don't want to say 'adoption' out loud. Elliot knows all about that word and I don't want to start anything I can't finish. "I apologize if I haven't been very warm…"

"No need, Grace. I understand. This one's been hard on everyone involved." We invite him to sit and we all watch the boys play. Then about fifteen minutes later, Helen walks into the room. She isn't quite her bouncy self and her eyes are red and slightly puffy. I walk to give her the hug she tried to give me the first time we met. The two of us just stay that way for a while, silently embracing and supporting each other. Finally, we have to pull back, as a nurse comes through the door with the paperwork.

My heart begins to pound as I note it's already been signed by the physician on duty. My hand shakes as I sign the release as Christian's senior attending physician, then Jackson signs as Christian's legal representation. And it's that simple. He's released from the hospital and my care. I take in a raspy deep breath and watch as Jackson has Helen sign the foster care paperwork. It hurts me that I'm no longer involved, no longer the one to whom others look for Christian's care. Carrick puts his arm around my shoulders and pulls me in to kiss my temple.

"Well," I say in almost a whisper. "Should we get him dressed?" I reach for the clothes on the nightstand, but Carrick reaches for the shopping bag.

"Elliot wanted to help," he says simply as he holds out the bag. I look inside and find some of the jeans and shirts he's recently grown out of. I think Christian will be swimming in these, as he's still not anywhere near Elliot's size, but the gesture warms my heart and the tears well up again. The hospital supplied clean underwear and socks, but what about shoes? Thinking back, he didn't have any when he first arrived. He was taken out of the house so abruptly, and his feet were bare…

"Here. He'll need these too," I hear Helen chime in. She reaches into her own big bag and pulls out a couple small pairs of converse tennis shoes. "I wasn't exactly sure of his size, so I brought the two I think will be the closest. I've gotten good at sizing up children over the years." She gives me a small smile. I am deeply thankful that she and Ben are so loving and that my son will be in her care until he can be in mine. I can't even bare to think about the other possibility.

Carrick turns around, "Boys? Time for Christian to get dressed to go." I see Elliot's face drop and he looks somewhat afraid. Christian still has no emotion. "Come on. Put the cars away now." The toys are put into the box. Then Elliot stands up and holds out his hand to help Christian. A look of fear passes over Christian's face briefly, then he stands up on his own, not ready to extend the physical touch quite yet.

I take this opportunity to help my son one last time. "Here Darling, let's get this off you first…" and I move to untie the hospital gown. Christian pulls away from me with his hands raised in defense. "Would you like to do it yourself?" I look into those nervous gray eyes and get a small nod. Christian looks around the room and his eyes grow wide. I notice that everyone is watching us. This is obviously uncomfortable for him. "Um, Carry? Do you think we could have a little less of an audience?"

Carrick, Jackson and Helen suddenly realize what's going on and move to leave the room. "Helen? I think you should stay. This is really yours now." How difficult was that to say out loud? She nods while Carrick takes Elliot's hand and follows Jackson out of the room. "It's alright, Darling. Mrs. Collier is here to help if you need it." She and I back away and give him some space. I take this opportunity to whisper some of the things I've noticed; the night mares, the blanket, his affinity for airplanes and helicopters, the books and his intelligence…

As we quietly talk, we hand Christian his pants and one of Elliot's shirts. He struggles a bit at first, but once they're on, gives himself quite a comical once over in the mirror on the bathroom door. The pants are too short, but Elliot's would have fallen off of him. The shirt is too long and baggy. I have to chuckle as he tries to tuck it in to make it fit better. He's scared and silent, but at least has some fashion sense.

"Christian? Come here please so we can try the shoes on," Helen says and he carefully walks over to her keeping an arm's length distance. She bends down and he seems cautious but lets her help him get them on. The first pair fit well enough. "Well, these will get us home." _Home?!_ I feel my heart tighten and I gasp but it's getting hard to catch a breath. Helen hears me and turns around. "I'm so sorry, Grace. I know." I see her eyes well up and we silently exchange thoughts and emotions.

I have to look away and thankfully I see something to occupy my attention- the small pile on the nightstand. I go to gather up the items there, picking up the photograph from the floor. I slide it into my pocket so Christian doesn't notice. I know he's made it clear he doesn't want it, but for some reason I feel it's necessary to keep it. Maybe not right now, but someday he'll need to come to grips with who she is, who _he_ is… Even if he does become ours, we could never forget where he came from. There will come a day he is curious; at least we can have this to help him when it does.

I put the pile into the shopping bag with the rest of Elliot's offerings. I put the box of cars with the books I'm taking home. But very quickly I'm reminded of the helicopter. I find it in the pile and hand it to Christian. "This is for you, Darling. We all know how much you've enjoyed it." He gives me a small smile as he looks it over, somewhat amazed that it's now his. Then I pick up that blanket, the tattered but not-quite-as-filthy-as-before blanket, and hand it to him too. "And you cannot forget this!" He reaches for it with a soft grunt and pulls it close into a strong hug. I whisper to Helen, "Trust me, you do _not_ want him to forget _that_." We smile at each other as we pick up everything that's going out of the room.

"Ready Christian? You've got some big brothers and sisters coming home later who are very excited to meet you. And Ben is planning to grill hamburgers to celebrate tonight!" Helen reaches out to him. He looks down at her hand but doesn't take it. Instead he holds that blanket tighter and grips the helicopter closer to himself. He does take a moment to look up at me. That tussled copper hair, and those big gray eyes are almost too much to take. I give him a nod and a smile but all I really want to do is hold him and never let him go!

An orderly brings in the required wheelchair for patient release. It takes a minute for him to understand, but Christian carefully hops up to sit in the chair. I follow Him and Helen out of the room. Carrick and Jackson are talking in the hallway and Elliot is sitting on the bench. Jackson leans down to tell Christian he'll be seeing him later, then heads down the hall after a civil 'good-bye' to the rest of us. Carrick bends down to be eye to eye with Christian. I can tell he had something all planned but the emotions of the moment are making it almost impossible for him to speak. Somehow he manages. I'm thankful he goes first. I don't' think I could have made it right now.

"Well, Little Man… I'm so glad to see you are getting better. No one will ever hurt you like that again. That's a promise from me, OK? Mr. and Mrs. Collier will take good care of you. Remember your manners… say 'please' and 'thank you'…" Carrick stops abruptly, probably realizing what he just said. But again, reminders that we expect him to use his words when he's ready, can't hurt. "And you remember that we all love you, and we'll visit as soon as we can." He puts his hand out and to all our surprise, Christian touches it. Lightly, but it's a touch without a doubt! I see a tear fall down Carrick's cheek as he stands and turns toward me. I reach out to him and we both lean on each other while the tears fall freely.

We hear Elliot talking. "It's been real fun playin' Christian. I hope we get to play again soon. Dad said the Colliers are OK with that." We see him lean in closer and Christian tense up, but we know it's alright when we hear Elliot whisper "Actually, I'm hoping I can get Mom and Dad to take us to the zoo! Have you ever seen a elephant up close? They're huge!" I have to let out a soft chuckle. And I do believe the zoo is a wonderful idea.

Suddenly, it's my turn. Where do I begin? What do I say to him right now? I find myself kneeling down next to him and looking into those eyes. Right now they are so full of concern and I'm worried he's scared and confused…. Part of me wonders how to word all I'm thinking for a four year old, but another part just starts before I even know what I'm going to say; "Christian?... I am so glad I was the doctor here when you needed help. To think what I would have missed if someone else had been here instead of me… We will see each other again very soon, and I like Elliot's idea about the zoo." I see Elliot out of the corner of my eye, look up at Carrick and smile. "I love you, Christian. I will always love you. Remember that, OK? You are my angel, Darling." I reach out and touch his head. He tenses but doesn't pull away. As I move my hand down, he reaches up and grabs my finger one last time. He squeezes it very tightly and looks directly into my eyes. Then I hear a soft squeal and feel the tears on my cheeks as I see one roll down his.

I stand up as I know this is it. Helen gives me one last hug then turns toward the elevator. Carrick has his arm around my waist, and we both have an arm over Elliot's shoulder. We watch as they enter and turn around. All three of us lift an arm to wave good-bye. We see Christian send a small wave back to us and as the doors close, I can barely breathe. Then I hear my husband do something I hadn't heard for a while. He vocalizes exactly what I am thinking… "Dear Lord, Bring him home to us soon, please?"


	15. Chapter 15

**How It Happened**

Chapter 15

_Grace_

The ride home is somber and quiet. Even Elliot, who is normally very vocal and telling us everything he's noticing out the window, is still and quiet in the back seat. Carrick puts on some soft music to help relieve the tension but I am simply too lost in my emotions to really respond. When we walk into the house, I note the time and think we could have an early lunch. That will give me something else to think about, so I let myself get lost in making soup and sandwiches.

We eat as a family at the kitchen table for the first time in several days. After so much time at the hospital, Elliot voices what we all are thinking; "It seems strange to only be the three of us now, huh?" I manage to keep more tears from falling as I hear Carrick take on the responsibility of agreeing with him so I don't have to. Just one more reason to love that man.

After lunch, I clean up the table, put the dishes in the dishwasher, and put the last of the lunchmeat back in the refrigerator. Carry comes up behind me and wraps his arm around my waist for a deep embrace that allows me to finally let it all out. And I do. I hurt so badly. My baby is somewhere else in this big city with people he barely knows, with no way to communicate his needs, and dealing with his touch issues, let alone his grief over his loss…I don't know how long I cry, but when I regain my senses, Carry surprises me one more time.

"Gracie, remember when I sat with him yesterday morning?" I give a quiet nod, not sure what I'm about to hear. "Well, I worked with him on writing. You know, just his name and a few other letters. He wrote this and I thought you'd like to have it." From his pocket he pulls out a small piece of paper and hands it to me. I have to smile as I hang it up on the refrigerator and think about my darling boy…_ Cistn._

The phone rings on Carry's business line in his office, so he lets go of me to answer it. Now what do I do? I feel like I can't do anything; I have no energy to physically do anything and sitting down to relax feels like I've given up in him… Somehow I find myself in the family room. Elliot it there building something with his Legos. I can hear Carrick's voice from down the hall… This is all so normal for us, but doesn't feel right anymore. Somehow I must have let myself stay there because suddenly, Carrick is sitting beside me.

"Gracie? Are you in there, Baby?" I see a small smile on his face and try to smile back.

"I'm sorry, Sweetheart. I'm just so overwhelmed…"

"I know. Me too. But that was Jackson Price. He called to give us a little more detail on how this all is going to work." I sit up looking for Elliot. I'm not sure he should hear this yet. I'm hoping that a phone call so quickly can only be good news. "I sent Elliot to play in his room." I love how he can read my thoughts and is always looking out for what's best. "Grace, Jackson told me we can't see Christian for two weeks. There has to be time for him to adjust to the Collier's." I feel my lungs collapse and my heart begins to pound. "But after that, we can see him as often as we are able to arrange. He said that if they're going to find a close relative, it's usually within the first three weeks, anyway. After that, it gets harder."

After being with him so much, two weeks feels like forever, but I try to think logically. I've waited longer for things far less important. I'm just going to have to make this work. "Can we contact the Collier's to make arrangements though? I mean, you and I don't have the most flexible schedules. You've used up a lot of time off already. I don't want to wait two weeks then have to wait two more because our schedules are already set."

"That's a good question. He didn't say, so I guess we just call the case worker assigned. If it's against regulations, they'll let us know. Jackson gave me all the necessary info; phone, address…" I can tell by the way he's looking at me, he has something more to tell me, and it's not going to be good. "Baby, we've talked a bit before, that Christian has to be in foster care for a certain amount of time, to try to find family, right?" I nod. "Well, the regulations recently changed. It's six months now, Grace."

"Six months? How am I supposed to let my son be with other people, away from me, away from us, our care… for _six months? _Why so long? He won't even remember us if we wait six months…" I feel my heart contract and the tears well up again.

"Grace, try to calm down Baby. I know it seems like a long time, but Jackson told me he can petition the court to cut the time down if they can't find family since there's already a family waiting to adopt. And most likely, a judge would agree to it."

_Most likely_ a judge will allow it? Otherwise we have to wait six months? And how will Christian feel? I don't think he even knows we want him. I mean, we didn't want to tell Elliot in case it can't happen, so we certainly weren't going to tell Christian for the same reason. Will he want to live with us if it takes us six months to get him? Or will he be as angry with me for abandoning him, sending him off to live with someone else, as he seems to be with his birth mother right now? "Is that it? That's the _good_ news? Please tell me there's something else, Carrick."

"Oh Gracie, I wish I could. Right now, that's as good as it gets." He wraps his arms around me and just holds me while the tears fall again. I didn't think I had enough left in me to be this emotional, but I was wrong. I just want my baby. I just want to sit with him and read to him, watch him and Elliot play together…. How am I going to make it through six months?

"Come on, Sweetie." Carrick stands and holds out his hand to me. "You need to lie down, get some rest. These last several days have put you through the ringer and this news certainly didn't help." He's right. I can't imagine it's going to do any good, but I know I can't do anything else right now.

He holds my hand and walks me to our bedroom. He pulls down the covers, and even removes my shoes for me once I'm seated. As I climb in Carry sits down next to me. "Comfy?" I nod silently. "Good." He looks deeply into my eyes. I love how he is trying to make this as easy for me as possible. "Baby, I know this is hard to hear. It was for me too, when Jackson called. But now we know and can move forward. No more surprises. Unless they tell us…" I can see in his face, neither of us wants to think about that possibility.

I reach up to touch his face and return his deep, loving look. "Thank you, Carry. You have been so wonderful through this entire situation. So supportive and loving…. Not just for me, but for Elliot and Christian as well. It has meant so much to me that you've been there with me, taking care of Elliot while I was with Christian… I could never tell you enough, how much it's meant to me."

I see the tears well up in his eyes too, as he leans down to softly kiss my forehead, temple, cheek and lips. "It will all work out. Like I said, we'll just pray every day that he comes back to us." I wrap my arms around his neck and he holds me too. We just stay like that for a while until he sits back. "Now, you need some rest. No arguments, no more stalling. Rest. Now." I nod silently.

Carrick turns the light out and tells me he loves me before he closes the door. I hear him call to Elliot to come downstairs with him so they can play outside together. I guess he wanted to be sure it was quiet for me. And he probably thought Elliot needed some time too. I'm sure he does. The last few days have been a stress for him as well. I roll over and the exhaustion just takes over.

_Carrick _

Elliot and I are throwing the baseball out in the yard. The two of us haven't had a lot of playtime lately, and he needs some father-son time with me. I didn't really think he'd be too noisy in his room, but this way Grace can't blame that, when she fights the nap I'm making her take.

Sometimes I wonder what she'd be like if left to her own devices. She works such long hours, is always involved with Elliot's school projects and activities, and this past summer, even took on some new charity in the community. Not to mention the energy she put into Christian these past several days. She would push herself until she dropped dead, taking care of everyone else, if I didn't make her stop and sleep.

I was surprised to see her eat lunch today. I kind of expected her emotions to get in the way of that. But maybe she just went on auto-pilot and ate her sandwich simply because it was there. I know she was ready to break down at any moment, especially when Elliot made his comment about it just being the three of us. I jumped in to smooth that over before she lost it, but I was having a difficult time too, truth be told.

Yesterday and last night were really rough for me. Hearing the news from Jackson and consoling Grace… trying to explain things to the boys…leaving Christian knowing he would be heading to the Collier's today… leaving Grace so she could stay with him… having to stay as strong as possible for Elliot who really doesn't understand all that's going on… And then watching him be taken away from us…

I really wish I could get away for a few moments too and let it all out. I think I could cry for about four hours, if given the chance to do so. Everything Grace has dealt with, I've dealt with too. Maybe not exactly the same way, but I'm not made of stone. Those scared gray eyes are haunting me right now. I picture Christian out here with us, learning to throw a baseball or football. The news that we can't see him for two weeks and that the state now requires six months until we can officially adopt… I know Jackson called me because that conversation with Grace would have been impossible, but hearing that was absolutely crushing.

My chest is so tight and every breath is a challenge, but you'd never know it looking at me. Right now I have a big smile on my face watching Elliot run to get the ball out of the bushes. I wish it could be different. I wish someone would see what I need right now and help take some of this emotional burden away. But instead; I will take care of my wife and stay strong for my son. I need to stay strong, for both of my sons.


	16. Chapter 16

**How It Happened**

Chapter 16

_Carrick_

She's been at this for over an hour. I'm trying to just let it alone, I know it's a big deal, but at this point, it's thoroughly driving me batty. I can hear her from the kitchen talking to herself. "What if it's not enough? Maybe I should put in a few more. Elliot will want raisins. Will Christian want raisins? What if I pack them and he doesn't want them, but he would have liked a banana, and I don't pack one. I'll put in a few bananas…"

We were able to contact the Colliers and set up our first visitation with Christian. It's been just over two weeks now. With our schedules and the older kids being in school full days, a weekday was too complicated to schedule. So it's Saturday and we're meeting at a park for a picnic lunch and some time to play.

Grace wanted to take him to the zoo, and I know Elliot wanted to go too, but his case worker suggested we save that one for a while and start with simply playing at a park. Dr. Evans, who's been able to continue on as his psychologist, agreed. It's a little more low key. A zoo would have forced the focus on seeing the animals. This way, while there's equipment to play on, the visit will be more about the interaction between Christian and us.

Helen and Ben will both be there and they're bringing some of the other children. She told us things have gone well, relatively speaking. He's still having nightmares, won't let anyone touch him and hasn't spoken a word. But the bruises are gone and the burns are nearly all healed, although they're going to leave scars. She said he's gained a few pounds too, which is really good to hear. Apparently, meal times are never a problem. If she could only have seen those first few…

I walk into the kitchen to see if I can help my wife pack the picnic basket. I understand she's anxious, but it's just lunch. Hell, from what I can see, she's preparing to feed an army! "Grace? Isn't Helen packing for the other kids?" She nods but doesn't take her focus off her task or even look at me. "Well, Baby, don't you think this is bit overkill? I'm planning on eating lunch today; you know a sandwich, maybe a piece of fruit or some carrots… not my final meal before I'm executed!"

That comment earns a reprimanding glance and verbal response. "I just want to be sure Christian won't have to eat anything he doesn't want. If I have ample choices, then there should be at least something he'll like. We're supposed to give him choices. That's what the visitation list stated."

"Grace, Helen said food is the one area that's been easy. He eats whatever he's given. But really? Dr. Evens said this visit should be about the interaction; it's not about the food. He's going to be so excited just to see you that this isn't even going to matter."

"But that's what concerns me. The list of recommendations included photographs to help the child remember, and Helen and Ben didn't receive the ones we mailed until Thursday. That's only one day to…"

"And she called us last night. What did she say he did when he saw them?" I reach for her shoulder to turn her back to me. Looking into her eyes I can see the tears welling up again. "Grace?" I'm not letting her go until she acknowledges this… Why is she focusing on everything that could go wrong? "Grace… What did Christian do?"

_Grace_

Once again my husband is being my rock. He's right about the food, I'm just so nervous today. He's right about the photos we sent too. He's not going to let me finish here until I say it… "Alright. He pointed to us in the picture."

"And when Helen told him we would see him at the park?..."

"He smiled. He smiled and refused to give the pictures back to her."

"Now, isn't that a bit of a switch from the other photo in the hospital?" I have to nod in agreement. "He remembers you, he remembers me and Elliot…. He's excited to see us. And now," he looks at his watch. I can tell from his expression that we're getting close. "We need to leave in about fifteen minutes. That gives you enough time to change."

"Me? I was going to suggest you change."

_Carrick_

"Why?" Just then Elliot comes running through the house. Why is he wearing a sweater, khaki pants and dress shoes?

"Is it time yet? I don't wanna' be late or anything." He is not going to the park like that. He'll ruin those pants, and really? Dress shoes?

"Not until you change, El. Why are you all dressed-up?"

"Mom said." He couldn't he look more miserable about this.

Coming to her own defense, Grace cuts in, "I just think this is a special occasion, we should act like it."

"I agree it's a special occasion, but it's at a park. The whole point is to play. Elliot, go change into jeans and tennis shoes. You need to be able to run around."

"Oh man, thanks Dad!" He takes off and heads up to his room.

"And grab a shirt that can get dirty! Make it fast, Buddy!" I call after him. Then I turn to Grace, "Now you go…"

"I cannot believe you just did that. I told him what to wear and you just undermined me."

"No, I'm making sense. Grace, look at yourself. You're in heels and a skirt. How are you going to play with Christian on a playground? If you try pushing him on a swing, your shoes will sink into the ground." She's not saying anything but I'm not sure she's really listening either. "Think 'low key.' That's what we were told. Something comfy and able to get dirty."

She takes a deep breath and the tears start to fall. "I just want this to be perfect, Carry. This is the first time we're going to see each other in quite some time. I just want us to be what he remembers. You were almost always in a suit…"

"And you were in scrubs most of the time." She takes a deep breath and tries to blink away any more tears. "And when did Christian ever see Elliot dressed like that?" She puts her arms around me. I get a big hug and of course I hug her back. "Grace? Let's go play with our little boy, OK? Play." She nods silently on my shoulder. "Time's tickin'. I know you don't want to be late for this. Go."

I watch her hurry up the stairs and I grab the picnic basket to take it out to the car. There is no way she'll be late. I sure as hell hope not; I'm way too excited to see my son.

_Grace_

Once again, Carry's right. What was I thinking? Who wears an outfit like this to play in a park? And poor Elliot. No wonder he gave me such a pathetic look when I told him what to wear. I toss my dress clothes on the bed. I'll deal with them when we get home. I grab a much more park-appropriate outfit and throw it on. I pull my hair into a ponytail, grab my socks and running shoes and head quickly down the stairs.

Carrick is coming out of the kitchen with the drink thermos. "Did you grab the cups and plates, Sweetheart?" I may be walking and trying to get my other shoe on at the same time, but I'd hate to forget anything.

"Yes. This is the last of it. Elliot's already in the car, and… Well, now that is a much better outfit for an autumn day in the park; jeans, turtleneck and Michigan State sweatshirt. Kind of unexpected from a U of M med school grad, but…"

"Hey. That was only for med school. You know at heart, I'm pure Spartan. Go green." I give my husband a kiss and a big smile as I grab his free hand and head us out to the car. "Let's go play with our son!"

We decided on a place somewhere in the middle between our house and the Colliers'. I think Elliot has asked 'how much longer' about seven times. The ride takes only twenty minutes but seems like forever. I feel my heart pounding as we park and get the picnic items out of the trunk. I want to just run over to the picnic area, as that's where we decided to meet up, but then I hear Ben's gentle yet firm voice coming from somewhere not too far away.

"I know you don't want to Christian, but this is a parking lot. It's not a choice, you have to hold hands." I think my heart is about to burst through my chest. He's already here! I look around and feel it just about stop! For the first time in two weeks, I see my baby!

He looks bigger and definitely has more color in his cheeks. He looks… healthy. His copper hair is clean and the autumn sunlight reflects off it with bright highlights. It's as unruly as ever. The shirt he has on is still a bit too big but I recognize it as one of Elliot's we sent with him. The pants he's wearing today fit better, but he even looks a bit taller than just two weeks ago, so if he's growing quickly, they may not fit much longer.

"Ben!" I hear Carrick yell, and he's waving. Ben waves back and I see several children ranging in ages, surrounding him carrying coolers and baskets. Ben has Christian's right hand, and that blanket is in his left.

So many thoughts are going through my head; Can I go to him? Can I ask to hold his hand or does it need to be Ben only? Does he see me and know who I am, yet? While my mind is flashing a mile a minute, I see the Colliers walking toward us. I cannot take my eyes off of him but I'm pulled out of myself when Elliot yells "Hi Christian!" At this Christian seems to come to a recognition of who we are.

I see a smile. I only saw a smile that big the day Officer Williams delivered the toys from his house. He looks at Elliot and Carrick and there's even a slight excitement in his walk. Ben walks him over to me. I kneel down to look into those gray eyes. I have missed them so much.

"Hello, Darling." It's all I can do not to wrap my arms around him, but I know that will frighten him and upset this amazing moment. "It's so wonderful to see you again, Sweetheart. We've really missed you. You look very healthy and I'm very glad to see that." His smile is melting my heart. "Are you ready to have some lunch and play?" Without any hesitation, I get an excited head nod. Ben reaches his hand over to mine. "Can I hold your hand? Mr. Collier is right. We must hold hands in a parking lot. Not a choice."

Christian reaches for me. I'm almost breath taken when he actually reaches out to my hand. I stand again as he grabs my finger and looks up at me. The last time he looked up at me, he was scared and unsure. Now, he looks content and even, happy.

We must look a sight, all of us in a mass heading toward the picnic area. Helen and I find a couple tables under a big maple tree. The sunlight is bright and streaming through the leaves. They are changing colors and the brilliant yellows, oranges and reds almost accent Christian's hair. The older girls stay to help Helen set up lunch, while the younger children runoff to climb on the equipment.

I need to set up as well, but I don't want Christian to let go of me. I notice Elliot hasn't run to play. I'm glad in that he knows he is not to run off but I think he's waiting for Christian. I feel my husband behind me and he speaks softly in my ear. "Grace, would you like to take the boys over to play while I set up? Or do you want to hold the reins over lunch?" Carrick is giving me a hard choice. Yes I want to play with my boys, but I know what's in that basket better than he does… Then I think about him and his desire to be with the boys too.

"I got to hold his hand already. It's your turn, Carry." I see an expression on his face that tells me I said exactly what he was hoping for.

"Come on Elliot! Christian, let's go see about that big slide over there!" He's almost a kid himself! Helen tells Christian he needs to leave the blanket at the table. I'm surprised when he actually surrenders it without much issue, but he does look to Carrick with an unsure expression, as if he's asking for assurance he won't need it. Carrick holds out his hands. Elliot takes his left, and I watch as Christian slowly reaches for his right. This puts an amazing expression on my husband's face, as he heads off with the two boys toward the toys. I've never watched the three of them together quite like this, but my heart knows this is the way it's supposed to be.


	17. Chapter 17

How It Happened

Chapter 17

_Grace_

Helen and I get busy with the picnic set up. Between the two of us I think we could feed the entire Detroit Lions football team and still have leftovers! We talk about how Christian's adjustment is going; the real nit-picky details. I want to know everything so I have it down once he's with us. Helen doesn't hold anything back.

"Well, meals have been the easiest. If I put it on his plate, he eats it. Even if it's awful. A few nights ago I tried something new and no one liked it; not even me! But Christian didn't complain; no grunts, no moans, not even one of his faces he can make when he's frustrated and wants to throw a tantrum. Those are becoming legendary!" I appreciate her honesty and tuck every detail away in my mind.

"Dr. Evans told us he's still working through his food issues, and they may last a while. It wasn't so easy at first. He was constantly in the pantry or the fridge to find something to eat. He was just so amazed to see so much food it was like he didn't want to take a chance it might disappear. Of course we couldn't' just let him eat all day, so we made a chart of when he could eat; breakfast, lunch, dinner and a snack between each. After that, he didn't try to take any food unless it was time, but there were times I'd find him sitting on the kitchen floor just looking at the pantry." Wow. I have seen quite a few malnourishment cases in my career; none quite like Christian's though. I never thought about what happened after they left my care. I guess it takes time to adjust, like anything else.

"So meals are the easiest. The hardest?" She thinks a minute. "Probably bath time. I know most kids don't want to take baths anyway, but his were quite the challenge. He wouldn't let anyone touch him and there was no way I was leaving a four year old to take care of it himself. So there was a lot of screaming and water everywhere. He had a lot of cleaning up to do those first few nights. Finally, I decided the easiest thing to do is just sit with him and let him do his thing. I let him take over for the most part. But washing his hair? He tries and he does a bang up job on the back, but he tends to ignore the top of his head. I think that's just a four year old thing. So now, I insist on washing his hair. He seems to be OK with us touching his head. He tenses up and holds his breath while I do it, but he does let me."

I never even thought about bath time. It's always been so easy with Elliot since he loved playing with bath toys, and still does, really. I guess in the hospital that was taken care of by the nurses so I never witnessed what happened then. Wow. OK. Bath time is a challenge. Let him do it, wash his hair. Duly noted.

I look around the park and see Carrick with both boys climbing up a tall slide. I can hear Elliot yelling something but can't quite make it out. Christian is heading up the slide but seems much more cautious than Elliot. Helen must notice too because she tells me "We have a swing set in the yard with a slide, but not quite like that one…" I watch while Elliot slides down, then Carrick… Christian watches them head down and I hear them both call for him to join them. I see him look down the long slide, shake his head in a very determined negative, then head back down the ladder. It actually makes me giggle.

"You know, Grace… I can stay here and watch everything. Why don't you go play?"

"Oh, I don't want you to have to…"

"Grace… that's why we're here today. So you can play with him." I guess it is… "Go ahead. Everything here will be fine. Go play with your _three_ boys!" We both laugh at that and I give her a hug in thanks before I hurry off to play.

I catch Carrick's eyes and put my finger up to my lips so he won't say anything. Then I sneak up behind Elliot and swoop him up into my arms. He screams and giggles which is music to my ears. My favorite sound in the whole world is my son's laughter. That's another thing I realize we've never heard from Christian; laughter. I have a small ache in my heart wondering when the last time was that he laughed. Did he have anything to laugh about in his world? _OK Grace, you are here to play… focus on today… _

"Well boys, Mom's here now. What should we do? Swings? Climber?" I notice a strange expression on Christian's face when I said Mom, but that's how Elliot knows me and hopefully, that's how he will too, so I'm just going to start saying it.

"Mom! Check out this castle thing! It's so cool!" I look over to where Elliot is pointing and notice that the main structure in the playground is one huge wooden, castle shaped climber. "Come on! It's got lots of places to …." I'm not sure what. He's running ahead and I can't hear a word he's saying. But Carrick takes my hand and we watch a moment as Christian cautiously follows him. I have to smile when Elliot realizes he's not with him so he stops to wait for him to catch up. The two of them head into the castle and are soon out of my sight.

"Boys! Be careful…"

"So how many times do you think you'll say _that_ in your lifetime?" I never thought about it, but I'm guessing somewhere in the thousands. "They're fine, Grace. They're running around and probably hiding from each other."

"And you know that because…?"

"Because, we've already been in there. I wish they'd had something like this when I was a kid. I'm too big to get through some of the passages, but I'll bet you'd still fit. Go on in. It's fun." I give him a questioning expression. "I'm serious. Go ahead. We're here to play, remember? I'll wait here." He gives me a loving smile. I just love this man!

"Ok you two… I'm coming in! I'll bet I can find you before I count to twenty!" What made me say that? I'll probably get lost in this thing and they'll have to come and find _me!_ "One… two…" I continue to count and watch my step as I meander through crevices and over bridges… This thing is fun!

I can see both of them ahead of me. Elliot is 'shh-ing' Christian so I won't her them. Oh, the irony. _Really Elliot? Christian, whose voice you've never heard, needs to be the quiet one?_ It makes me laugh. I continue to count and just watch them. My brother told me once that Elliot is 'just a little bruiser,' and that's more than evident today…. Up these steps, down that rope, through some tires… Nothing gets in his way.

Christian is following him. He's doing everything Elliot does, but he's much more reserved and seems to be thinking out every move he's making. It's like he wants to trust Elliot, but isn't sure that's such a good idea. I knew that kid was smart. Or maybe something like playing in this climber is so new to him… Has he ever climbed down a rope? Has he ever jumped through a tire? I wonder if this reserved nature is really him, or he's just not sure what's going to happen.

I head over to where I see the two of them hiding in a narrow tunnel-bridge thing. Ok, not sure I'm fitting through there… Somehow I'm only on 'fourteen,' but I slow my counting so I can get out of here and over to the tunnel from the outside. "...Eighteen…. nineteen…." I move underneath them so I can sneak up from behind, and call "twenty!" Both boys jump at my voice. Christian looks afraid at first, but does relax a bit when he hears Elliot laughing.

"Mom! That doesn't count! You said _'before_' you count to twenty. That was _at_ twenty…"

"Come on out of there and let's go to the swings." I always loved them when I was little. What the heck. Maybe I'll hop on one today, myself! I see my husband waiting right where he said he'd be. I call to him that we're heading to the swings. He starts walking toward us with a suspicious smile. "What?"

"You."

"What about me?" He holds out his hand for mine and I take it, gladly. We follow the boys over toward the swings.

"You were hilarious in there. I was having a great time just watching the boys sneaking around and watching you watch them."

"Well, it was fun!" I drop my voice a little so they won't hear. "And they are so precious together. I really hope this all…" I feel my chest tighten and I can't even finish that statement.

"Me too. By the way, I never said 'thank you.' So, thank you." He leans over and kisses my head.

"For what?" What's he talking about?

"For calling me that night. For being brave enough to tell me you want him before I ever even saw him."

We've made it to the swings and Elliot has wasted no time. He's already going back and forth on his stomach, dragging his toes on the ground. Christian is standing nearby watching him. I look up at Carrick and give him a soft kiss. "You are more than welcome, Sweetheart. Now, push me?" He laughs as I jump up on the swing.

Carrick lifts Elliot up to sit, then moves behind me. "Alright Greys…. Are you ready? Here we go!" Carrick manages to push both of us at the same time, and pretty high at that! I'm impressed. My high school football hero husband's still got it! Carry walks to the empty swing next to Elliot. "Come on Christian! Your turn!"

I see Christian vehemently shake his head 'no.' "No? You don't' want to swing?" More head shaking. "Are you sure? I'll help you." Christian wraps his arms over his chest and is grabbing at his sleeves. I wonder if he's wishing he had his blanket. It sort of looks that way.

"Come on, Christian, it's fun!" Elliot calls.

I slow myself and watch him. Christian is adamant he is not swinging, but his face doesn't look angry, it looks scared. "Do you need help, Darling? Carrick can get you started." He looks up at Carry who smiles, but Christian gives him a look of fear I haven't seen from him since that first night in his hospital room. "It's OK. You don't have to." I stop my swing and walk to his side. I kneel down to his eye level. Those gray eyes are so full of fear, and he's got quite a strong grip on his shirt, over…what? "Would you like to play somewhere else?" I look around to find something different to try. He looks around too, and I get a nod. "Ok. Take me there."

Carrick tells me he'll stay with Elliot. I stand and offer Christian my hand. He takes my finger and pulls. We're heading to the smaller playground area; the one for toddlers and preschoolers. I'm curious… And he heads straight for the swings. He hops on and starts kicking his legs. Before I know what's happening, he's smiling at me and swinging…

"OK, I'm confused. Any thoughts on this one Doctor?" Carry has come up behind me and is whispering in my ear. Honestly, I'm as confused as he is.

"I'm a pediatrician. Give me an earache or a sore throat and I'm all over it. Dr. Evens may be the one to consult here." Christian is so happy right now, and I give him a wave. Just then Helen appears next to me.

"He loves the swings. He was a little hesitant at first on our set, but the other kids talked him through how to move his legs and now he's on them all the time." We both must give her a confounded expression because she gives us one. "Ben and the other kids were starting to get hungry. I came over to let you know." We must still be staring because Helen looks uneasy. "Is everything alright?"

I manage to express my confused thoughts a little. "Well, honestly…. No. We were just on the swings and he was adamant he was not swinging. In fact, he seemed scared to death to try it. So when I gave him the choice of where to play, he picked the… swings." I gesture to Christian swinging back and forth.

"Could he reach those?" Helen asks, meaning the swings we just left. "Ours are set at different heights for different aged kids. He may not have felt comfortable on the ones over there because they are higher. Or maybe he just couldn't get on by himself…"

Of course. How could that slip my mind. He couldn't get on… "Carry, he couldn't get on by himself. He didn't want to swing because he didn't want you to touch him… Maybe he didn't want you to pick him up to sit like Elliot, or was afraid you'd push him like you did for us." I let out a deep breath.

"That has to be it. He did give me one frightened look, didn't he?" Carrick looks concerned. "Thank you, Helen. We'll be right over." Carrick and I look at each other. We're both overcome with sadness that our little boy would rather stay out of an activity he apparently loves, than take a chance on touch. "Elliot!" I hear Carrick call. "Ready to eat?" I hear my son yell something that sounds affirmative.

"Christian, time for lunch Darling." My thoughts are still swirling through my head. I watch him drag his feet to slow down. He walks over to me and I hold out my hand. He takes my finger and I'm careful not to make too much physical contact. _ Grace, don't let this darken your day…_ We head back toward the picnic area together and I tell Christian about what's waiting at the table. "You can choose peanut butter or a turkey sandwich, bananas, grapes… Would you like potato chips? We have regular or barbeque." I have to smile because he's nodding at everything I say.


End file.
